SILICON VALLEY CASH GRAB REACHES ABSURD NEW HEIGHTS AS OPENAI EMPLOYEES PREPARE TO WIPE ASSES WITH ACTUAL GOLD
OpenAI, the company behind that thing you use to cheat on homework and write passive-aggressive emails to your boss, is about to become the world’s most valuable private company at a f@#king ridiculous $500 billion valuation. That’s right, a company that basically made a fancy autocomplete feature is now worth more than the GDP of 170 countries combined.
EMPLOYEES PREPARE FOR OBSCENE WEALTH WHILE YOU STRUGGLE TO PAY RENT
Current and former OpenAI employees are reportedly selling $6 billion worth of shares, transforming regular nerds into the kind of wealthy a**holes who buy islands as vacation homes. Industry analysts estimate that approximately 87% of these newly minted tech millionaires will immediately purchase Teslas they can’t drive properly.
“This is completely sustainable and not at all a sign of a massive tech bubble about to explode in our faces,” explained financial expert Dr. Cash McBurnington. “I mean, sure, they’re worth more than most countries despite having basically one product that occasionally hallucinates facts, but have you SEEN how many venture capitalists are throwing money at this sh!t?”
INVESTORS FIGHT LIKE RABID RACCOONS OVER SHARES
Sources close to the deal report that SoftBank’s Masayoshi Son physically tackled three other billionaires in a Palo Alto Starbucks just to get first dibs on the share offering. Microsoft, already heavily invested in the company, is rumored to be selling Bill Gates’ entire vintage calculator collection to raise additional funds.
THE MATH DOESN’T ADD UP BECAUSE WHO GIVES A F@#K ANYMORE
With a $500 billion valuation, OpenAI is now worth:
– 1,666 times what the entire concept of “common sense” is valued at
– Roughly $71 million per employee, or approximately the GDP of Liechtenstein per software engineer
– More than 3 trillion actual thoughts produced by actual human brains
Economic professor Ima Skeptical from the University of Financial Reality points out the obvious: “They made $2 billion in revenue last year. TWO. BILLION. That’s a price-to-revenue ratio of 250-to-1. For comparison, Amazon’s is about 3-to-1. But hey, who needs math when you have hype, am I right?”
WHAT THE HELL DOES OPENAI EVEN DO AGAIN?
For those who’ve forgotten, OpenAI produces ChatGPT, the digital equivalent of that one friend who confidently gives wrong answers but sounds really smart doing it. The company has leveraged this technology to convince investors that it’s worth more than aerospace giant SpaceX, despite the latter actually building rockets that go to space while OpenAI occasionally struggles to add single-digit numbers correctly.
THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION
When reached for comment about the absurd valuation, OpenAI CEO Sam Altman responded through his digital thinking rectangle with what appeared to be a shrugging emoji and the words “lol idk either, but I’m not giving the money back.” The message was immediately followed by an unprompted 5,000-word essay on the history of basket weaving.
As the technology sector continues its descent into financial madness, economists warn that we may be witnessing the greatest transfer of wealth in history from people who have too much money to people who will soon have way too much money. Meanwhile, you still can’t afford a house.
