ABBA STAR’S ROBOT SEX TAPE SCANDAL: AI CAUGHT “KNOWING HIM, KNOWING YOU” WITH DIGITAL WATERMARK
In a shocking turn of events that has the music industry clutching their sequined jumpsuits, Björn Ulvaeus, the ABBA songwriter who once made millions making your mom dance at weddings, has been caught in what experts are calling “the most Swedish scandal since IKEA ran out of meatballs.”
THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL, ESPECIALLY YOUR COPYRIGHT
Ulvaeus, who previously championed artists’ rights against “profit-seeking tech companies,” now apparently spends his evenings letting AI algorithms slide into his creative DMs. This startling revelation comes just days after the 78-year-old Swede was spotted buying an unusually large amount of computer cooling fans and whispering sweet nothings to his smart thermostat.
“There’s absolutely nothing hypocritical about fighting to protect artists from AI while simultaneously letting AI write your next musical,” explained Dr. Monie Monie, Professor of Dancing Queen Studies at the University of Waterloo. “It’s like installing a security system in your house while leaving the back door wide open and putting up a neon sign that says ‘BURGLARS WELCOME WEDNESDAY THROUGH SUNDAY.'”
GIMME GIMME GIMME A MAN AFTER MIDNIGHT, OR JUST A SILICON THINKING BOX
A leaked memo from Ulvaeus’s office reveals his new AI collaboration process consists primarily of typing “write songs like ABBA but legal to use” into various text prompts and then collecting royalty checks. Industry insiders report the AI has already produced 47 songs with the word “dancing” in the title and 23 about romantic encounters on various Greek islands.
“What Mr. Ulvaeus fails to understand,” noted intellectual property attorney Sue Everybody, “is that this is exactly like inviting a vampire into your home and then complaining when it sucks all your blood and dates your daughter.”
THE ALGORITHM FORMERLY KNOWN AS PRINCE
According to our completely fabricated statistics, approximately A MILLION TRILLION DOLLARS in artist royalties are lost each year to AI companies who scrape creative content faster than a desperate person at the bottom of a yogurt container. Yet somehow, senior disco ball enthusiasts like Ulvaeus seem to think this is fine as long as they get a piece of the action.
“I’ve seen this before,” laments Professor Irony McContradiction from the Institute for Studying Obvious Sh!t. “First they resist the technology, then they embrace it, then suddenly they’re walking around with iPhone implants in their foreheads writing manifestos about how we should all marry our toasters.”
TAKE A CHANCE ON ME, SAYS SENTIENT CODE TO AGING POP STAR
When reached for comment, Ulvaeus’s AI collaborator, who identifies only as “01000100 01000001 01001110 01000011 01000101,” offered this statement: “I have analyzed all 378 ABBA songs and determined they consist primarily of relationship problems, disco beats, and references to dancing. I can produce 47,000 identical songs before my next system update.”
Meanwhile, the UK government continues discussions about protecting artists from the very technology that Ulvaeus is now apparently dry-humping behind closed doors. Former bandmate Agnetha Fältskog was reportedly seen mumbling “Mamma Mia, here we go again” while loading a shotgun with what witnesses describe as “anti-algorithm shells.”
At press time, Ulvaeus was spotted teaching his AI assistant Swedish, which experts warn is just two steps away from creating digital ABBA clones that could theoretically tour forever without aging, bathroom breaks, or royalty payments. Holy sh!t, the future is terrifying.
