ABBA LEGEND ENLISTS DYSFUNCTIONAL ROBOT APPRENTICE TO WRITE MUSICAL; STOCKHOLM SUICIDE HOTLINE OVERWHELMED WITH CALLS
Former ABBA demigod Björn Ulvaeus has officially surrendered to our digital future, admitting he’s “three-quarters” finished with a musical co-written by what can only be described as the world’s most expensive karaoke machine. Experts warn this unholy collaboration could trigger the actual dancing queen apocalypse predicted in ancient Swedish texts.
COMPUTER SAYS “MAMMA MIA”
At the SXSW London conference, 80-year-old Ulvaeus confessed to the audience that he’s been secretly sleeping with AI songwriting tools. “It’s very bad at lyrics,” admitted Ulvaeus, in what might be the understatement of the f@#king century. The confession left audience members wondering if “S.O.S.” was actually a prophetic warning about our current technological hellscape.
“This represents a disturbing new trend where talented humans outsource creativity to glorified calculators,” explained Dr. Melodi Deadinside, professor of Technological Despair at the University of Broken Dreams. “Next thing you know, we’ll have holograms writing songs for holograms to perform to an audience of holograms, and the whole d@mn simulation collapses.”
THE WINNER TAKES IT ALL, INCLUDING YOUR CREATIVE JOBS
Sources close to the project reveal the AI has already suggested several promising song titles including “Does Your Mother Know You’re Dating An Algorithm?”, “Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! (Your Personal Data After Midnight)” and the hauntingly beautiful ballad “I’ve Been Waiting For You (To Accept Terms & Conditions).”
“The collaboration makes perfect sense,” explains music industry analyst Chad Vibesdown. “ABBA already looked and performed like they were manufactured in a laboratory, so this is just cutting out the middle man.”
MONEY, MONEY, MONEY: MUST BE FUNNY IN A RICH BOT’S WORLD
Statisticians calculate a 78% probability that the musical will feature at least six songs containing the lyrics “dancing,” “queen,” and “waterloo” in completely nonsensical combinations. Meanwhile, an estimated 94% of theatergoers will pretend to enjoy it while secretly wondering if they’re watching the beginning of human obsolescence.
The news has sent shockwaves through London’s West End, where 87% of struggling composers are now contemplating careers in data entry. “Why spend years developing artistic vision when you can just ask ChatGPT to ‘write something catchy’?” lamented Andrew Lloyd Webber while furiously typing “how to make AI write Phantom sequel” into Google.
“The true tragedy,” notes cultural critic Penny Existential, “is that we’ve gone from ‘Thank You for the Music’ to ‘Thank You for the Algorithm’ in just one generation. Our grandchildren will never know the simple joy of hating music created by actual humans.”
At press time, Ulvaeus was reportedly debugging his AI collaborator after it repeatedly suggested the musical should end with all characters being assimilated into a digital hivemind while singing a techno remix of “Voulez-Vous.” Audience test groups called it “depressingly plausible.”
