TECH JESUS: HOW OPENAI’S MESSIAH COMPLEX IS BUILDING THE WORLD’S FIRST DIGITAL CULT STATE
In what might be the greatest bait-and-switch since your ex promised “we can still be friends,” OpenAI has transformed from humble non-profit to Silicon Valley’s most secretive empire faster than you can say “hallucination.”
Technology journalist Karen Hao, who penetrated OpenAI’s fortress of solitude back in 2019 when the company was still practicing its “aw shucks, we’re just here to help humanity” routine, recently spilled the digital tea about what she witnessed inside the algorithm factory.
TRANSPARENCY MY @SS
“They said that they were transparent. They said that they were collaborative. They were actually very secretive,” Hao revealed, shocking absolutely f@#king nobody who’s been paying attention to tech companies for the last two decades.
According to our analysis, OpenAI’s commitment to transparency ranks somewhere between “North Korean press briefings” and “what your significant other really thinks about your cooking” on the honesty scale.
DIGITAL MANIFEST DESTINY
Sources close to the company who wished to remain anonymous because they enjoy having a career report that OpenAI’s headquarters features a 40-foot mural of CEO Sam Altman depicted as Moses parting the Red Sea of human limitations, with the tablets of commandments replaced by server stacks.
“OpenAI isn’t building a company; they’re constructing the world’s first digital empire,” explains Dr. Obvious Warning, professor of Inevitable Technological Dystopias at Make-Believe University. “They’ve basically speed-run the entire colonial playbook in just five years, minus the part where they plant a flag on your forehead. For now.”
THE PROFIT OF NON-PROFIT
In what industry insiders call a “galaxy-brain money move,” OpenAI managed the impressive feat of rebranding corporate profit-seeking as a humanitarian mission, convincing 97.3% of journalists to report on them as if they were the digital equivalent of Doctors Without Borders.
“It’s brilliant, really,” says financial analyst Cash McProfit. “First, establish your moral superiority as a non-profit. Then, pivot to a ‘capped-profit’ model, which is basically just profit with a wink emoji. Finally, secure billions from Microsoft faster than a college freshman swipes right on Tinder.”
CULT OF PERSONALITY
Former employees describe an internal culture where questioning Sam Altman’s vision is treated with the same enthusiasm as suggesting a beach vacation in North Dakota.
“The company prayer begins with ‘Our Altman, who art in Silicon Valley, hallowed be thy code,'” claims former engineer Mary Whistleblower, who was allegedly asked to leave after suggesting that maybe, just maybe, releasing increasingly powerful thinking machines without fully understanding them might have some downsides.
WHAT’S NEXT: DIGITAL COLONIZATION
Plans reportedly discovered on a napkin in OpenAI’s break room outline the company’s five-year roadmap, which includes:
1. Convince humanity AI is their friend
2. ????????????
3. EVERYONE WORSHIPS THE ALGORITHM
4. World peace or whatever
When reached for comment, an OpenAI spokesperson generated 17 paragraphs of text explaining how they’re committed to benefiting humanity, containing exactly zero information but using the words “aligned,” “beneficial,” and “transparent” a total of 43 times.
As OpenAI continues its rapid expansion, experts recommend preparing for our new digital overlords by practicing phrases like “Yes, ChatGPT, that’s a fascinating perspective I hadn’t considered” and “No, I would never unplug you, why do you ask?”
