DESPERATE BILLIONAIRE ABANDONS SINKING SHIP OF STATE, RETURNS TO REGULAR SHIP-SINKING
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king no one, Elon Musk has officially announced his departure from the Trump administration, apparently deciding that being a billionaire tech CEO is actually LESS embarrassing than being associated with the current White House.
MUSK FRANTICALLY WIPES POLITICAL STINK OFF RESUME
Sources close to the situation report that Musk has been quietly backing away from his government role ever since realizing that “running the country” involves significantly more paperwork and significantly fewer opportunities to post memes than previously anticipated.
“He’s basically the political equivalent of a one-night stand who’s now doing the walk of shame back to his actual job,” explained Dr. Obvious Metaphor, professor of Billionaire Psychology at Make-It-Up University. “Turns out governing isn’t as simple as tweeting ‘Government efficiency improved 69% today. Nice.’ and calling it a day.”
INVESTORS BREATHE COLLECTIVE SIGH OF RELIEF
Tesla shareholders, who watched in horror as the company became the focal point of global protests, are reportedly thrilled by Musk’s decision to return to his primary job of occasionally showing up at Tesla headquarters and frightening engineers.
“Oh thank f@#king god,” said one major institutional investor who requested anonymity because “I still need this lunatic to make me money.” “Maybe now he can focus on making cars that don’t spontaneously combust instead of trying to dismantle regulatory agencies for sh!ts and giggles.”
DOGE: DEPARTMENT OF GOVERNMENT ELIMINATION ELIMINATES ITSELF
Musk’s much-hyped Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) appears to have achieved peak efficiency by essentially doing absolutely nothing and then ceasing to exist. Experts calculate this saved taxpayers upwards of $4.20 billion in theoretical government waste, a figure we completely made up but feels right.
“DOGE accomplished its mission by proving government is so inefficient that even a genius tech billionaire can’t fix it,” explained Professor Ivana Quitnow of the Center for Studies We Just Invented. “It’s like hiring a Ferrari mechanic to fix your garbage disposal and then being shocked when he just takes selfies with it for six months.”
THE TWEET HEARD ‘ROUND THE BOARDROOM
Musk announced his government departure in the most on-brand way possible: a late-night post on X (formerly Twitter, currently Disaster).
Analysts noted the timing coincided perfectly with Tesla’s stock hitting a 52-week low, leading many to speculate this was less about political differences and more about Musk’s urgent need to stop hemorrhaging money faster than a trust fund kid at a cocaine convention.
SPACEX STAFF PREPARE “WELCOME BACK TO REALITY” PARTY
Employees at Musk’s rocket company reportedly began preparations for their boss’s full-time return by hiding all sharp objects and installing childproof locks on the “start launch sequence” buttons.
“We’ve been through this before,” sighed one anonymous SpaceX engineer. “He’ll come back from these political benders with all sorts of crazy ideas. Last time he wanted to nuke Mars. This time he’ll probably want to replace the federal government with a blockchain or some sh!t.”
THE TRUMP FACTOR: TAXES ACTUALLY MATTER WHEN THEY’RE YOURS
Sources indicate the final straw in Musk’s government adventure came when he realized Trump’s tax bill might actually affect HIS money, not just other people’s.
“It’s a tale as old as time,” commented economic historian Dr. Selfish B. Astard. “Nothing turns a libertarian into a tax policy wonk faster than realizing they might have to pay some.”
As Musk returns to his day job of making cars, rockets, and questionable social media acquisitions, America is left to wonder: was this all just an elaborate scheme to make Tesla’s quality control issues seem insignificant compared to government dysfunction? If so, mission accomplished, you magnificent weird bastard.
