HUMANITY SURRENDERS READING TO SILICON MIND-PUPPETS, BROWSER COMPANIES DECLARE VICTORY
NEW YORK – In what experts are calling “the final nail in the literacy coffin,” tech company Arc has released Dia, a revolutionary new AI browser that finally solves humanity’s most pressing problem: the unbearable burden of having to read things themselves.
BROWSER DOES YOUR THINKING SO YOU DON’T HAVE TO
Dia promises to transform web browsing by completely eliminating the need for human comprehension, critical thinking, or basic cognitive function. The browser will scan websites for you, summarize content, and eventually make all your life decisions while you stare blankly at colorful animations.
“We’ve discovered that reading is the primary obstacle preventing people from enjoying the internet,” said Dia spokesman Chad Effortless. “Our research shows the average American wants to absorb content without the hassle of moving their eyes horizontally across text or forming independent thoughts.”
The browser, currently available in beta for macOS, can only be accessed by existing Arc members or those they’ve invited, creating what psychologists call “digital aristocracy syndrome,” where tech elites decide who deserves to have their thinking outsourced.
EXCLUSIVE ACCESS MAKES USERS FEEL SPECIAL, RESEARCH CONFIRMS
“Limiting access primarily serves to create artificial scarcity,” explains Dr. Obvianne Truth, professor of Technological Psychology at Prestige University. “Our studies show that 97.3% of people using invite-only products experience a 400% increase in smugness and reference their ‘exclusive tech’ in conversations where absolutely nobody f@#king asked.”
Early user testimonials have been overwhelmingly positive. “Before Dia, I had to form my own opinions about articles,” said Todd Convenience, a 34-year-old marketing executive. “Now, I can have pre-digested opinions delivered directly to my frontal lobe. It’s saved me literally dozens of seconds per day!”
EXPERTS WARN OF “INTELLECTUAL ATROPHY EPIDEMIC”
Not everyone is enthusiastic about the technological advancement. Professor Cassandra Warning from the Institute of Obvious Consequences notes that outsourcing comprehension to AI could have downsides.
“We’re witnessing the speed-run to cognitive surrender,” she explained while frantically writing in a paper journal. “By 2025, approximately 78% of humans will be unable to complete a coherent thought without algorithmic assistance. By 2026, we expect ‘independent reading’ to be classified as an extreme sport, like free-solo rock climbing or expressing opinions on Twitter.”
The company insists their browser isn’t making humans dumber but “optimizing cognitive efficiency.” When pressed about potential risks, Dia’s Chief Innovation Officer Brantley Disruptor replied, “What’s the worst that could happen? So our users become completely dependent on our proprietary software to understand basic information. Big deal! It’s not like we’d ever monetize that dependency or manipulate the summaries for our benefit. Trust us!”
At press time, this reporter attempted to form an original conclusion but found himself utterly unable to do so without AI assistance. Holy sh!t, we’re all doomed.
