FINALLY, SOMEONE TO DETECT YOUR PARTNER’S BULLS#!T EXCUSES WITH 99.8% ACCURACY
MIT Student Develops AI That Can Spot Anomalies But Still Can’t Explain Why Your Ex Never Texted Back
TECH GEEKS GET WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT SOMETHING NORMAL PEOPLE WILL NEVER USE
In what scientists are calling a “breakthrough that absolutely nobody asked for,” MIT PhD student Sarah Alnegheimish has created an open-source framework for detecting anomalies that literally any idiot can use, except of course any actual idiots because let’s be f@#king real here.
The system, called Orion, promises to revolutionize how we identify unusual patterns in data, which experts believe could help detect everything from machinery failures to your coworker stealing your lunch from the break room fridge despite writing your goddamn name on it.
WHY ARE WE SUPPOSED TO CARE?
“This is truly a game-changer for the seven people on Earth who wake up thinking about anomaly detection,” explained Dr. Iamso Important, Professor of Stating the Obvious at the Massachusetts Institute of Making Things Nobody Needs. “Now, instead of needing years of specialized training, anyone can detect anomalies with just three to five years of specialized training!”
The software has already been downloaded 120,000 times, primarily by people who immediately closed it after realizing they have no f@#king idea what to do with it.
ACCUSATIONS OF BEING TOO USER-FRIENDLY
Critics have slammed Alnegheimish’s work for being “dangerously accessible,” arguing that regular people should not have the power to detect anomalies, as this could lead to discovering that 97% of their daily existence is, in fact, completely abnormal.
“What happens when people start using this to analyze their dating history?” warned relationship expert Penny Tration. “They’re going to realize that being ghosted seventeen times in a row is statistically significant. Society isn’t ready for that level of self-awareness.”
WHAT THE HELL CAN THIS ACTUALLY DO?
According to the press release that absolutely nobody read all the way through, Orion can help identify unusual patterns in industrial settings, which is great news for the three people you know who work in industrial settings and the zero of them who would ever use this.
The system uses two commands: “Fit” and “Detect.” “Fit” trains the model, while “Detect” finds anomalies, which is apparently revolutionary despite being exactly what you’d expect those commands to do.
“We’ve made it so simple that even executives can understand it,” Alnegheimish claimed, in what experts are calling “the most blatant lie in technological history.”
TESTIMONIALS FROM PEOPLE WHO DEFINITELY DON’T EXIST
“Before Orion, I had to manually look at my data to see if something weird was happening. Now, I just press a button and the computer tells me everything’s f@#ked,” said fictional factory manager Guy Madeup. “It’s incredible! Last week it detected that my wife has been cheating on me with the neighbor for seven years. I wasn’t even analyzing that data!”
Another satisfied user, completely imaginary data scientist Dr. Falsey Data, added: “I installed Orion and within minutes discovered that my coffee consumption is 438% higher than the national average and that I haven’t felt genuine happiness since 2014. Thanks, Orion!”
THE DISTURBING IMPLICATIONS NOBODY WANTS TO DISCUSS
Studies show that approximately 78.3% of all anomalies are things we’re better off not knowing about. Security experts warn that widespread anomaly detection could lead to people discovering uncomfortable truths, like how many hours their boss actually works or the real ingredients in chicken nuggets.
Future updates to Orion will reportedly include features such as “Ignore,” which allows users to pretend they never discovered the anomaly in the first place, and “Justify,” which automatically generates plausible explanations for why deeply concerning patterns are actually totally fine.
CONCLUSION: JUST WHAT WE NEEDED, ANOTHER WAY TO CONFIRM LIFE IS WEIRD
As of press time, Alnegheimish’s creation continues to gain popularity among tech enthusiasts and people with too much time on their hands. Meanwhile, the rest of humanity remains blissfully unaware that there’s now software that could theoretically detect how abnormal it is to read satirical AI news articles while sitting on the toilet.
When asked if Orion could detect the anomaly of spending billions on AI research while teachers buy their own school supplies, MIT representatives quickly ended our interview and showed us the door.
