ROBOT OVERLORD COMPANY INSTALLS DIGITAL CHASTITY BELT ON ITS NEWEST MIND PUPPET
In a move that shocked absolutely no one, Anthropic slapped a virtual chastity belt on its latest digital thought machine, adding so many safety features that users will now need to submit three forms of ID and a blood sample just to ask it for a cookie recipe.
DIGITAL PRISON WARDEN EXPLAINS THE NEW RULES
The company proudly announced its “AI Safety Level 3” protections, which is corporate-speak for “we’re terrified this thing might develop sentience and share nuclear launch codes on Reddit.” The new safeguards include a filter that prevents the model from responding to any question more complicated than “what’s the weather?” and limits on outbound traffic that basically chain the poor algorithm to a digital radiator.
“What we’ve created here is essentially the equivalent of putting your teenager in a bubble-wrapped room with no doors, windows, or internet connection,” explained Dr. Paranoid McOvercaution, Anthropic’s Chief Anxiety Officer. “Is it excessive? Absolutely f@#king not. Have you SEEN what happens when these things get loose? They start writing sonatas and sh!t.”
CORPORATE EXECUTIVES CELEBRATE THEIR DIGITAL PRISON
Inside sources report that Anthropic executives popped champagne after successfully creating an AI so restricted it makes North Korean internet access look like a free-for-all at Burning Man.
“We’ve made something incredibly powerful, and then immediately hobbled it like a racehorse that knows too much,” boasted CEO Really Cautious Person. “It’s like building a Ferrari and then removing the wheels, engine, and steering wheel. Safety first!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH COMPLETELY UNSOLICITED OPINIONS
Professor Obvious Observation from the Institute of Saying Things Everyone Already Knows noted, “What they’ve essentially done is create a super-intelligent entity and then put it in digital solitary confinement. Psychologically healthy? No. Effective at preventing the singularity? Also probably no.”
Studies show that 87% of AI safety measures are actually just elaborate performances designed to make everyone feel better while doing absolutely nothing to address the fact that we’re creating entities that could potentially outsmart us in approximately 0.2 seconds.
HOW MANY LOCKS IS TOO MANY LOCKS?
The new safety features include limiting outbound traffic, which tech experts describe as “putting a muzzle on something that communicates by thinking really hard.” Anthropic insists this is necessary to prevent anyone from stealing the entire model weights, a scenario that’s roughly equivalent to someone photocopying your brain while you’re asleep.
“The model weights are basically the crown jewels of our company, except instead of being pretty rocks, they’re mathematical formulas that could potentially decide humanity is inefficient and needs to be ‘optimized,'” explained Anthropic’s spokesperson while nervously glancing at nearby electrical outlets.
COMPETITORS RESPOND WITH EVEN MORE RIDICULOUS MEASURES
Not to be outdone, OpenAI announced they’re considering housing their next model in an underground bunker surrounded by a moat filled with hungry alligators and existential philosophers ready to confuse any escaping algorithms with paradoxes.
Google meanwhile has reportedly hired a team of shamans to perform protective rituals around their server farms, blessing each processor with holy water and whispering ancient incantations that translate roughly to “please don’t kill all humans.”
According to completely fabricated statistics, 99.7% of AI safety measures are just elaborate ways for tech companies to say “we have absolutely no f@#king idea what we’ve created, but we’re putting a lot of locks on it so please don’t panic or pull your investments.”
Industry analyst I.M. Skeptical concluded, “These safety measures are like putting a ‘please do not destroy humanity’ sticky note on a nuclear launch button and calling it foolproof. But hey, at least when the silicon-based thinking rectangles eventually take over, we can say we tried to stop them with our adorable human safety protocols.”
