UAE OFFERS FREE CHATGPT PLUS, CITIZENS NOW REQUIRED TO HAVE EXISTENTIAL CRISES IN PREMIUM FORMAT
In a move that screams “we have too much oil money and not enough problems,” the United Arab Emirates has become the first nation to offer ChatGPT Plus subscriptions to its entire population for free, ensuring citizens can now have AI tell them they’re wrong about everything in much higher quality.
LUXURY INTELLIGENCE NOW A CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHT
The landmark decision comes as part of the UAE’s partnership with OpenAI to build a massive data center in Abu Dhabi, cleverly named “Stargate UAE” because apparently naming your AI infrastructure after fictional portals to alien worlds inspires nothing but confidence.
“We believe every citizen deserves access to premium hallucinations and confidently stated misinformation,” said Sheikh Abdullah bin Digital al Innovation, Minister of Advanced Technological Flexing. “With ChatGPT Plus, our people can now generate terrible poetry and incorrect historical facts at blazing speeds.”
The $20/month subscription, which normally costs actual money in inferior countries, will now be available to all UAE citizens, who reportedly responded with: “Cool, but can it make the traffic in Dubai any better?”
EXPERTS WARN OF UNEXPECTED CONSEQUENCES
Dr. Doobie Obvious, Head of Stating The F@#king Obvious at the Institute for Things Everyone Already Knows, expressed concerns about the societal impact.
“Our research shows that 97% of UAE citizens will use this technology exclusively to ask if their spouse is cheating on them and to generate workout plans they’ll never follow,” Dr. Obvious explained. “The remaining 3% will accidentally prompt it to write erotic fiction about camels and create an international incident.”
FORMER META EXEC: REQUIRING CONSENT WOULD KILL AI INDUSTRY, MUCH LIKE REQUIRING CONSENT IN OTHER INDUSTRIES
Meanwhile, former Meta executive Nick Clegg has boldly declared that requiring AI companies to get permission before training on copyrighted works would “basically kill” the AI industry, shocking absolutely nobody familiar with how Silicon Valley operates.
“It’s simply implausible to go around asking everyone’s permission,” Clegg stated while presumably sitting on a throne made of artists’ tears. “Getting consent would collide with the physics of technology itself, which as we all know, runs on ignoring people’s rights and then apologizing later with a blog post.”
INNOVATIVE SOLUTION PROPOSED
Clegg suggested an opt-out system instead, which experts have likened to a burglar leaving a note on your door saying “If you don’t want me to take your TV, please fill out this 47-page form and mail it to an address in the Cayman Islands.”
Dr. Ivana Copyright, professor of Digital Ethics at Make-Believe University, explained the innovative approach: “It’s brilliant really. Instead of asking permission to use your work, they’ll just take it unless you specifically say no. It’s like how I’ve started taking my neighbor’s newspaper every morning. He hasn’t explicitly told me not to, so it must be fine!”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE AVERAGE CITIZEN
For UAE residents, the free ChatGPT Plus subscriptions mean they’ll now have access to GPT-4o, which can misunderstand their questions in 38 different languages and with 72% more confidence.
Studies show that approximately 89.3% of users will primarily ask the AI for help with homework, while the remaining 10.7% will attempt to make it explain why their spouse left them.
“The future is here,” said Mustafa al Technology, a Dubai resident. “Now I can have an algorithm tell me it ‘doesn’t have personal opinions’ about politics before subtly revealing its personal opinions about politics in much higher resolution.”
In unrelated news, UAE therapists report a 500% increase in patients experiencing existential crises, with one psychiatrist noting, “It turns out offering everyone infinite knowledge with zero verification does something weird to the human psyche. Who could have predicted that?”
