MICROSOFT ACCIDENTALLY TRIGGERS “DOOMSDAY PROTOCOL” WHEN RECALL FEATURE ATTEMPTS TO SPY ON SIGNAL MESSAGES
Signal messaging app has declared nuclear war on Microsoft’s creepy little peeping tom feature, blocking Windows 11 Recall with text that essentially tells Bill Gates to go f@#k himself
TECH WORLD IN ABSOLUTE SHAMBLES
In what experts are calling “the most passive-aggressive software update of the century,” Signal has implemented a screen protection feature that prevents Microsoft’s Windows 11 Recall function from capturing your late-night “u up?” texts and storing them in a data center where they’ll definitely never be misused, pinky promise.
“Microsoft has simply given us no other option,” explained Signal CEO Moxie Marlinspike, while dramatically drawing the blinds and checking under his desk for Microsoft-branded listening devices. “We tried sending them a strongly worded email, but Windows automatically saved 47 drafts of it, analyzed my tone for ‘areas of improvement,’ and suggested I add more emojis.”
PRIVACY EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY JUST SCREAMING
Dr. Ivana Keepmysh!t Private, head of the Institute for Not Letting Tech Companies Know When You Poop, called Microsoft’s Recall feature “the digital equivalent of someone following you around with a video camera while insisting they’ll keep their eyes closed.”
“This is absolutely unprecedented,” she added, before clarifying, “except for literally everything Facebook, Google, Amazon, Apple, and Microsoft have been doing for the past 15 years.”
Sources confirm that 98.7% of Windows users had no idea the Recall feature even existed until Signal threw this digital tantrum, and now 100% of them are frantically searching how to disable it while simultaneously realizing their search history is probably being Recalled too.
THE TECHNOLOGICAL ARMS RACE NOBODY ASKED FOR
Microsoft engineers reportedly responded to Signal’s block by developing an even more invasive feature codenamed “No Really We Need To See Your Messages,” which will employ tiny robotic arms that physically emerge from your laptop to hold your eyelids open while you read the terms of service.
“It’s a completely opt-in experience,” explained Microsoft spokesperson Chad Datamine. “Unless you count the fact that we’ve buried the opt-out button inside seventeen submenus and made it the exact color of your screen background.”
Industry insiders report that Signal’s block has proven so effective that Microsoft executives have been forced to resort to old-fashioned espionage techniques, including looking over users’ shoulders on public transport and hiring people to dress as houseplants.
AVERAGE USERS COMPLETELY F@#KING CONFUSED
A recent survey found that 76% of Windows users now believe their computers are actively plotting against them, while 24% “always kind of suspected it but were too afraid to say anything.”
Karen Normalperson, a 42-year-old accountant from Cleveland, expressed what many are feeling: “So Microsoft wants to remember everything I do on my computer, and Signal is fighting them by… wait, what is Signal again? Is that the bird app? I just want to check my email and play Candy Crush without my laptop blackmailing me.”
At press time, Signal developers were reportedly working on an even more aggressive counter-measure involving randomly generated text that, when captured by Recall, spells out the entire script of Nicolas Cage’s “The Wicker Man” including the infamous “NOT THE BEES” scene, which Microsoft’s AI has reportedly found “emotionally devastating.”
