AI COMPANIES DEMAND COPYRIGHT EXEMPTIONS, PROMISE TO “ONLY STEAL A LITTLE BIT” FROM ARTISTS
Tech giants shocked that ungrateful creative types don’t appreciate having their life’s work plundered without consent or compensation
BY SANDRA SNARKWELL, CHIEF DIGITAL THEFT CORRESPONDENT
In what experts are calling “the most innovative heist since the invention of taxes,” the British government has boldly proposed letting AI companies help themselves to the nation’s creative output like it’s a goddamn all-you-can-eat buffet at 4:55 PM.
GOVERNMENT UNVEILS REVOLUTIONARY “F@#K ARTISTS” INITIATIVE
The groundbreaking plan would allow silicon-based thinking rectangles to devour every book, song, and painting created by humans without permission, unless creators somehow manage to “opt out” of a system specifically designed to make opting out impossible.
“It’s basically like saying you can steal cars unless the owner has erected a force field around their vehicle,” explained Dr. Justin Sanity, Professor of Common Sense at the University of No-Sh!t-Sherlock. “This is the intellectual property equivalent of ‘she was asking for it by creating something valuable.'”
The plan has drawn fierce criticism from creative professionals who, for some inexplicable reason, think they should have rights to their own work.
ELTON JOHN RUDELY OBJECTS TO HAVING HIS LIFE’S WORK PLUNDERED
Sir Elton John has emerged as a vocal opponent, selfishly suggesting that the songs he spent decades creating shouldn’t be sucked into the gaping maw of algorithm Americans without his permission.
“The government have no right to do this to my songs,” John said, displaying a shocking lack of team spirit toward our digital overlords.
Government spokesperson Roberta Sellout defended the proposal: “Look, we need to maintain our competitive edge in AI, and the easiest way to do that is to let tech companies take whatever the f@#k they want. It’s basically patriotism through plagiarism.”
ARTISTS OFFERED INNOVATIVE COMPENSATION PACKAGE CONSISTING OF “EXPOSURE” AND “GET OVER IT”
According to a study conducted by the Institute for Making Sh!t Up, approximately 97.3% of AI companies believe artists should be grateful their work is being “repurposed” rather than merely “stolen outright.”
“These creative types should be thankful we’re even considering an opt-out system,” said Chad Dickerson, CEO of DeepTheft AI. “We initially wanted to just take everything without telling anyone, but our lawyers said that might be ‘too obvious.'”
EXPERTS PREDICT BRIGHT FUTURE FOR CREATIVE INDUSTRIES CONSISTING SOLELY OF LAWYERS AND AI ENGINEERS
Professor Penny Wise of the London School of Economics estimates that by 2030, Britain’s creative sector will consist exclusively of tech bros, patent attorneys, and three surviving musicians who managed to decipher the 47-page opt-out form written entirely in binary code.
“The possibilities are endless once you eliminate the need for human creativity,” Wise explained. “Imagine a world where AI can generate infinite versions of ‘Tiny Dancer’ without having to pay a single penny to Elton John. That’s not just innovation—that’s beautiful theft at scale.”
At press time, the government was reportedly considering a bold follow-up plan allowing anyone to move into your house as long as they leave a Post-it note saying they might be coming, unless you’ve already covered every inch of your property with “No Trespassing” signs written in invisible ink.
