BRAIN CORPORATION CLAIMS THEIR DATA-SUCKING ALGORITHMS ARE ‘BASICALLY FREE HUGS’ IN SELF-FUNDED PROPAGANDA PIECE
In what experts are calling “the most shameless circle jerk since the invention of mirrors,” social media behemoth Meta has released a self-funded report concluding that its approach to AI is absolutely f@#king fantastic and everyone should thank them immediately.
THE REPORT NOBODY ASKED FOR
The study, commissioned by definitely-not-biased Meta executives and conducted by researchers who coincidentally enjoy having jobs, claims that “open source” AI is both cost-effective and widely used, much like public restrooms or communicable diseases.
“Our research conclusively proves that our approach is superior in every way imaginable,” said Dr. Selma Interest, lead author and recipient of a Meta-branded yacht. “It’s completely coincidental that these findings align perfectly with our corporate strategy while making us look like technological saints.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS “OPEN SOURCE” ANYWAY
Critics have pointed out that Meta’s Llama models meet the definition of “open source” in the same way that a locked vault with security cameras meets the definition of “public park.”
“They’re basically calling a fish a bicycle and expecting us all to nod along,” explained Professor Bullsh!t Detector from the Institute of Obvious Contradictions. “Their ‘open source’ has more strings attached than a highly caffeinated puppeteer.”
According to leaked documents, Meta executives define “open source” as “anything we can technically get away with calling open source without being immediately arrested for false advertising.”
STATISTICAL MAGIC TRICKS
The report proudly touts that approximately 98.7% of developers surveyed prefer open source models, though further investigation revealed the survey only included Meta employees and was conducted during performance reviews.
“Open source AI saves companies an average of $4.2 million per sneeze,” claims the report, providing absolutely zero explanation for this metric or how respiratory functions relate to computational costs.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN WEIGH OUT
“I’ve never seen such creative mathematics outside of tax evasion seminars,” remarked Dr. Faye Ktchecker, a leading AI ethicist who was definitely not invited to contribute to the report. “They’ve essentially proven that if you ignore all the problems with your approach, there are no problems with your approach.”
When asked about the criticism that Meta’s Llama models don’t actually meet open source standards, company spokesperson Avery Straightface responded: “We’ve redefined ‘open’ to mean ‘you can look at it from a safe distance while we maintain complete control,’ and ‘source’ to mean ‘trust us, bro.'”
THE SHOCKING CONCLUSION YOU ABSOLUTELY WON’T BELIEVE
The 127-page report concludes with the groundbreaking discovery that companies who give away partial access to their technology while maintaining iron-fisted control over its most valuable aspects experience “unprecedented goodwill” while sacrificing “practically nothing of actual value.”
In related news, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg has reportedly been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize by a committee consisting entirely of his own reflection in various mirrors throughout his home.
“Next week, we’ll be releasing a follow-up study proving that Meta is single-handedly responsible for the concept of friendship,” Straightface added, “and that our founder invented oxygen sometime in 2004.”
