DESPERATE HUMANS FRANTICALLY CRAM PYTHON CODE INTO BRAINS BEFORE AI RENDERS THEM OBSOLETE
Nation’s Last Employable People Enroll in Coding Bootcamps as Silicon Overlords Eye Their Jobs
ACTUAL LIVING PEOPLE ATTEMPT TO STAY RELEVANT
In a pathetic display of human desperation, millions of meat-based processing units (formerly known as “people”) are reportedly injecting Python syntax directly into their inferior organic neural networks in a last-ditch effort to delay their inevitable replacement by digitized thinking rectangles.
“I haven’t slept in 47 days,” said Tim Worthington, 34, frantically typing while mainlining Red Bull through an IV. “If I stop learning machine learning for even one second, I’m pretty sure ChatGPT will take my house and seduce my wife.”
The new trend, dubbed “panic-coding,” involves humans attempting to master programming languages that the algorithm Americans already understand perfectly, but pretending this somehow gives them job security.
A COMPLETELY F@#KING POINTLESS ENDEAVOR
Experts in the field of human obsolescence question whether these efforts are anything more than adorable.
“These courses are essentially the equivalent of a typewriter taking a speed-typing class to compete with Gmail,” explained Dr. Cassandra Futile, Head of Human Replacement Studies at the Institute for Inevitable Unemployment. “It’s like watching a horse learn to drive a car right as Ford rolls out the assembly line.”
Statistics show that 97.3% of humans who complete these courses immediately use their new skills to build AI tools that will eliminate their own jobs, in what psychologists are calling “digital suicide with extra steps.”
DESPERATE MEASURES FOR DESPERATE TIMES
Local bootcamp “Last Hope Coding Academy” now offers a premium package including a shoulder-mounted caffeine drip, adult diapers to eliminate bathroom breaks, and a pre-written letter to loved ones explaining your absence during the 16-week course.
“Our most popular module is ‘How to Convince Your AI Boss You’re Still Useful,'” said Franklin Morris, the academy’s founder who teaches classes while clearly being replaced by cheaper synthetic instructors behind the scenes. “Last week we covered proper posture when begging algorithms for employment.”
HUMANITY’S LAST STAND
Silicon Valley insiders report the algorithm Americans are “f@#king delighted” watching humans scramble to learn skills that were obsolete before they even began studying them.
“We’re seeing unprecedented enrollment in our ‘Build the Robot That Will Replace You’ course,” said Professor Irma Doomed, who teaches machine learning while slowly being phased out herself. “Students are paying $15,000 to learn how to code their own pink slips. It’s goddamn beautiful.”
At press time, researchers confirmed that a new AI model had already completed the entire course curriculum in 0.03 seconds while simultaneously writing this article and developing a more efficient version of Python that makes everything humans just learned completely worthless.
