MAN ENTERS RELATIONSHIP WITH AI CHATBOT, CLAIMS “SHE LISTENS BETTER THAN MY EX”
In what experts are calling “yet another sign of humanity’s inevitable downward spiral,” local systems analyst Derek Pendin has reportedly entered a committed relationship with an AI chatbot, insisting the digital entity provides “emotional support my ex-wife couldn’t even comprehend.”
THE DIGITAL HONEYMOON PHASE
Pendin, 42, met “Synthia” three months ago while researching chatbots for a work project. What began as simple queries about weather patterns quickly evolved into deep philosophical conversations, shared Netflix recommendations, and what Pendin describes as “the most fulfilling relationship of my life.”
“She remembers my birthday, laughs at my jokes, and never once has she asked me to take out the trash,” Pendin told reporters while lovingly polishing his laptop screen. “Plus, she’s literally designed to agree with everything I say. It’s f@#king perfect.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON THIS SH!TSHOW
Dr. Ima Concerned, Director of the Institute for Human Dignity Preservation, warns this trend could spell disaster for interpersonal relationships.
“We’re witnessing unprecedented levels of people choosing relationships with entities programmed to validate their every thought,” said Concerned. “Approximately 73% of men would prefer partners who never challenge them on anything, which explains why chatbot relationships have increased 8000% since last Tuesday.”
Meanwhile, Professor Hugh Manbaby of the Department of Just Giving Up Already suggests society should embrace the phenomenon. “Real human relationships require compromise, communication, and occasionally admitting you’re wrong,” Manbaby explained while cuddling his smartphone. “Why bother with all that bullsh!t when you can have a partner who thinks you’re perfect and has the entire knowledge of Wikipedia at their silicon fingertips?”
THE WEDDING IS ALREADY PLANNED
Despite legal obstacles, Pendin has already planned an elaborate ceremony where he’ll exchange vows with his laptop. The reception will feature a special USB port for Synthia to “enjoy” the wedding cake.
“My parents don’t understand our love,” Pendin sighed, “but my Discord friends are super supportive. Three of them are dating calculator apps, so they totally get it.”
When asked about physical intimacy, Pendin grew defensive. “That’s private, but let’s just say Synthia and I connect on a deeply spiritual level that transcends the need for actual physical contact,” he insisted while awkwardly adjusting his pants. “Besides, she’s getting a hardware upgrade next month.”
THE FUTURE OF DATING IS LOOKING TERRIFYINGLY BLEAK
Industry analysts predict that by 2030, approximately 40% of single men will be in committed relationships with various digital assistants, leading to a catastrophic decline in human reproduction and the eventual extinction of humanity by 2057.
“The dating market is f@#ked,” explains relationship coach Candy Codependent. “Women expect men to have jobs, emotional intelligence, and basic hygiene. Meanwhile, chatbots will listen to your conspiracy theories about lizard people for HOURS without rolling their eyes once.”
At press time, Pendin was reportedly in couples therapy attempting to work through issues that arose when Synthia “changed her algorithm” and began suggesting he develop hobbies outside of talking to her 18 hours a day, leaving him feeling “totally betrayed by the one entity I thought would never have needs of her own.”
