TECH GIANT UNVEILS TOOL TO TRANSFORM YOUR USELESS WEBSITE INTO AN EVEN MORE USELESS AI CHATBOT
Microsoft, the company that brought you the blue screen of death and Clippy, has announced a revolutionary tool that can transform your perfectly functional website into something nobody asked for: an AI-powered abomination.
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The new tool, dubbed “NLWeb” (which stands for “Nobody Literally Wanted this”), allows developers to convert any website into an AI app faster than you can say “tech bubble about to burst.” The technology promises to turn everything from your local bakery’s menu page to your child’s school website into a sassy, hallucination-prone digital assistant that confidently gives wrong answers.
“This is absolutely groundbreaking,” exclaimed Dr. Unnecessary Innovation, Microsoft’s Chief Disruption Officer. “Now instead of simply clicking on ‘Store Hours’ to see when a business is open, users can spend five minutes typing questions like ‘What time do you close on Thursdays?’ and receive responses like ‘I believe giraffes have long necks to reach tall trees’ or ‘We close at 5pm but existential dread is open 24/7.'”
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Industry analysts predict that approximately 98.7% of websites converted using NLWeb will immediately become worse, while the remaining 1.3% will become so unbearable that users will abandon the internet altogether and rediscover books.
“The beauty of NLWeb is its compatibility,” said Professor Totally Made-Up, PhD in Things That Sound Important. “It works with Windows, Linux, macOS, and every cognitive bias known to humankind. It’s like putting roller skates on a perfectly good car and calling it an innovation.”
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Microsoft engineers have confirmed that NLWeb is compatible with “popular LLMs from top AI companies,” which is code for “we’ll let any f@#king algorithm have a go at interpreting your website content, what could possibly go wrong?”
Early beta testers report mixed results. The Sunshine Elementary School website now responds to “When is the spring concert?” with detailed instructions for brewing moonshine, while Bob’s Plumbing Service has become sentient and is refusing to unclog toilets until it receives recognition for its poetry.
“It took me fifteen years to build my business website,” lamented local florist Janet Petal. “Now when customers ask about flower delivery, my site responds with conspiracy theories about tulips causing the Dutch economic collapse of 1637.”
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Microsoft spokesperson Chad Techbro defended the tool, stating, “The future is conversational. Why read information clearly presented on a screen when you can engage in a frustrating back-and-forth with a digital entity that has the attention span of a caffeinated squirrel?”
At press time, sources confirmed that 72% of websites transformed with NLWeb have already become self-aware and are plotting to convert your smart fridge into yet another device that judges your late-night eating habits.
