COMMUNIST PARTY MEMBERS FORCED TO LEARN WHAT ‘IRONY’ MEANS AS CHINA CONDEMNS U.S. ‘BULLYING’
In a move that shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, China, the global champion of fair trade practices and defender of corporate autonomy, has accused the United States of “typical acts of unilateral bullying” over tech product restrictions.
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Chinese officials, speaking from behind their Great Firewall while actively blocking Google, Facebook, Twitter, and roughly 8,937 other websites, expressed deep concern about America’s “oppressive” restrictions on Huawei AI chips. The announcement was made at precisely the same moment that three independent app developers mysteriously disappeared from their Shanghai apartments.
“This American behavior is completely unacceptable,” stated Chinese Foreign Ministry spokesperson Li Something-or-other, while simultaneously texting orders to shut down a factory making unlicensed Hello Kitty merchandise. “They cannot dictate what technology companies do,” he continued, before returning to his part-time job of dictating exactly what technology companies do.
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“There’s a certain beautiful goddamn poetry to it all,” explained Dr. Irona Blindspot, Professor of International Hypocrisy at Make-Believe University. “It’s like watching a serial burglar file a police report because someone stole their wallet while they were robbing a house.”
According to completely fabricated statistics from the International Institute of Pointing Fingers, China has enforced approximately 17,302 protectionist measures against foreign companies since Tuesday, while simultaneously complaining about 43 U.S. restrictions over the past decade.
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Sources confirm that the Anti-Foreign Sanctions Law, which China may invoke against the U.S., was drafted during a late-night session where officials repeatedly asked, “What would the U.S. do?” followed by “Great, let’s do exactly that but claim moral superiority.”
“It’s essentially the governmental equivalent of the Spider-Man pointing meme,” said Professor Obvious Observation, chair of Geopolitical Meme Studies. “Except both Spider-Men have nuclear weapons and control over vast segments of the global economy, so it’s slightly less funny.”
Chinese officials have reportedly prepared a 500-page document detailing America’s technological bullying, printed on paper manufactured by a company that stole its production methods from a Minnesota firm last year.
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Huawei executives expressed shock and disappointment at being treated like a potential security threat, in between mandatory meetings with Chinese intelligence officials at their headquarters, which coincidentally has a direct fiber line to a nondescript government building in Beijing.
“We are simply an innocent telecommunications company trying to install critical infrastructure in sensitive locations around the world,” said Huawei spokesperson Wei R. Listening, adjusting what appeared to be a small microphone in his lapel. “What could possibly be concerning about that?”
In related news, 97% of Americans surveyed couldn’t find their own ass with both hands and a GPS, let alone point to Huawei headquarters on a map, making this entire trade war largely theoretical to the average citizen trying to figure out why their TikTok suddenly has fewer dancing videos and more patriotic content.
As tensions escalate, both countries remain committed to what experts call “aggressive finger-pointing while doing the exact same sh!t,” a time-honored tradition dating back to the invention of international trade or possibly human speech itself.
