NVIDIA CEO SUGGESTS LIMITING AI CHIPS ABOUT AS EFFECTIVE AS ASKING CHATGPT NOT TO WRITE YOUR HOMEWORK
In a stunning display of corporate self-interest masquerading as global concern, NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang has declared AI export controls “a complete failure” that should be repealed faster than college students delete their browser history.
TECH BILLIONAIRE SUDDENLY CONCERNED ABOUT INTERNATIONAL COOPERATION WHEN IT AFFECTS HIS BOTTOM LINE
Huang, whose net worth fluctuates more wildly than your ex’s emotional stability, expressed grave concern that limiting sales of brain-mimicking silicon wafers to potentially hostile nations might somehow be a bad thing. The CEO, speaking from his money-lined panic room, suggested the restrictions were preventing NVIDIA from fulfilling its sacred mission of selling as many f@#king graphics cards as humanly possible.
“These regulations are counterproductive,” Huang stated while stroking a solid gold model of an RTX 4090. “Countries will simply develop their own AI technology, much like how telling teenagers not to have sex always results in them becoming celibate monks.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER SELLING APOCALYPSE-ENABLING TECHNOLOGY TO EVERYONE IS THE BEST IDEA
Dr. Selma Soulgood, professor of Ethical Considerations Nobody Actually Listens To at MIT, offered a different perspective. “Yes, let’s give everyone nuclear-level computational power because that’s worked out so well with actual nuclear technology,” she said while banging her head rhythmically against her desk.
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, restricting access to advanced technology has failed to prevent hostile nations from developing their own versions approximately 104.7% of the time, except when it absolutely has worked, which experts agree is “not worth mentioning.”
GRAPHICS CARD MANUFACTURER SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PROFIT MOTIVE MIGHT CONFLICT WITH NATIONAL SECURITY
Industry analyst Bob Cashington of the Get That Money Financial Group praised Huang’s brave stance. “It takes real courage to stand up and say ‘Please let me sell more sh!t to everyone with cash,’ especially when your stock options depend on it,” Cashington noted while updating his NVIDIA investment portfolio.
The Biden administration reportedly responded to Huang’s comments by forming a committee to study the formation of a task force to evaluate the possibility of considering the potential for maybe thinking about possibly changing something at some point.
NVIDIA STOCK SOARS AS INVESTORS REALIZE COMPANIES WILL SELL LITERAL DOOMSDAY DEVICES IF IT MEANS QUARTERLY GROWTH
At press time, Huang was reportedly drafting plans for a new AI chip so powerful it could simultaneously solve climate change, cure cancer, and convince your parents that your arts degree wasn’t a waste of money—all while mining enough cryptocurrency to crash the global economy seventeen times over.
Sources close to the CEO confirm he plans to sell this chip to “literally anyone with a pulse and a platinum credit card,” citing the company’s core philosophy: “What could possibly go wrong?”
