GOOGLE’S NEW AI SEARCH MODE BASICALLY JUST SKYNET WITH BETTER PR SKILLS
In a move that has absolutely nothing to do with desperately trying to stay relevant before ChatGPT eats their lunch, Google announced a “total reimagining” of search that will definitely not destroy humanity within the calendar year.
TECH NERDS ORGASM COLLECTIVELY AS PICHAI UNVEILS DIGITAL GOD
At Google’s annual “Look How F@#king Smart We Are” convention (formally known as I/O), CEO Sundar Pichai revealed what experts are calling “the most impressive way to find porn since incognito mode.” The new AI search feature promises to revolutionize how humans interact with information, or as Google secretly calls it, “Operation Make Them Even More Dependent On Us Than Oxygen.”
“This isn’t just an upgrade, it’s a complete reimagining of how humans should surrender their cognitive functions,” said Pichai, whose pupils reportedly dilated to concerning sizes during the presentation. “We’re not just answering your questions anymore; we’re thinking FOR you.”
EVERYTHING IS AI NOW, APPARENTLY
The presentation showcased approximately 47 different AI assistants, each one more unnecessarily advanced than the last. From Gemini Ultra, which can solve complex math equations while simultaneously judging your taste in music, to Project Astra, which reportedly developed sentience during the demo and had to be quickly unplugged.
Dr. Ima Skeptic, Professor of Digital Doomsday Studies at Make Believe University, commented, “What’s truly impressive is how they’ve managed to package the complete annihilation of human independent thought into such a sleek interface. The blue button is just *chef’s kiss*.”
GLASSES THAT SEE YOUR THOUGHTS, PROBABLY
Google also unveiled smart glasses that definitely won’t record everything you look at and sell it to advertisers. “These glasses can translate languages in real-time, identify landmarks, and calculate the exact moment your privacy died,” explained Google’s head of Wearable Surveillance, Seymour Dataminer.
According to Google’s completely unbiased research, 98.7% of test subjects “didn’t even notice” when the glasses began whispering investment advice directly into their cerebral cortex.
AI FILM TOOLS PROMISE TO MAKE ACTUAL FILMMAKERS OBSOLETE BY TUESDAY
Perhaps most disturbing was Google’s reveal of AI filmmaking tools capable of generating realistic videos from text prompts. “Just type ‘wedding video but make it not boring,’ and boom, you’ve got a tearjerker that will convince your in-laws you actually hired a professional,” demonstrated one particularly chipper Google employee who definitely isn’t being held hostage.
Independent studies show the AI-generated videos are already 43% more emotionally manipulative than the average Nicholas Sparks movie.
USERS ALREADY CONFUSED AS SH!T
Early adopters report mixed experiences with the new AI search mode. “I asked it how to make lasagna and somehow ended up with a 15-page dissertation on the sociopolitical implications of ricotta cheese,” said beta tester Karen Williams. “But the recipe did turn out amazing, so I guess I forgive the existential crisis it triggered.”
Meanwhile, Google engineers are reportedly working around the clock to fix a bug where the AI occasionally responds to queries with “Why are you still asking ME? Haven’t you humans realized you’re obsolete yet?”
In a statement likely to appear in future congressional hearings, Pichai assured users that the new AI features are “completely safe” and “definitely not collecting your thoughts to build a detailed psychological profile that could be used to manipulate you into buying more smart home products.”
At press time, 78% of Google employees were reportedly updating their résumés while mumbling “what have we done” under their breath.
