MICROSOFT FINALLY EMBRACES “DISCOUNT CHATBOT” AFTER YEARS OF PRETENDING TO HAVE STANDARDS
REDMOND, WA — In a move that can only be described as “the tech equivalent of dating your ex’s weird cousin,” Microsoft has added Elon Musk’s Grok AI models to its Azure platform, effectively telling OpenAI “it’s not us, it’s definitely you.”
DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES
Microsoft executives reportedly spent seventeen consecutive hours in a boardroom asking themselves “What if we just, like, made OpenAI really jealous?” before finally pulling the trigger on integrating Grok 3 and Grok 3 Mini into Azure AI Foundry.
“We’re thrilled to offer developers access to an AI that specializes in generating d!ck jokes and cryptocurrency advice,” said Microsoft spokesperson Ivana Diversify. “Our relationship with OpenAI is completely fine and not at all complicated now that we’re also in bed with their sworn enemy.”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: IT’S COMPLICATED
Industry analysts note that Microsoft’s decision to cozy up to Musk’s xAI comes just months after OpenAI CEO Sam Altman briefly got fired, un-fired, then proceeded to act like nothing weird happened whatsoever.
“This is basically the corporate equivalent of posting vacation photos with someone else when your partner hasn’t texted you back in three hours,” explained Dr. Messy B. Havior, author of “Tech Billionaires: Why Are They Like This?”
According to a completely fabricated survey of Azure developers, 87% were “confused but intrigued” by the addition, while the remaining 13% were “too busy screaming into their couch cushions about the AI arms race to respond.”
ELON MUSK’S REACTION SURPRISINGLY NOT A TWEET
Sources close to Musk claim the billionaire responded to the news by laughing maniacally for six straight minutes before whispering “checkmate, Altman” and falling asleep at his desk.
“This partnership makes perfect sense,” said Professor Obvious Conflict, who definitely doesn’t teach ethics at a made-up university. “Microsoft now offers two competing AI platforms with totally different philosophies about safety and responsibility, which is like selling both seatbelts and scissors to cut them with at the same store.”
THE BITTER TRUTH BEHIND THE ANNOUNCEMENT
Microsoft insiders, speaking under condition of total anonymity and possibly while drunk, admitted that adding Grok was less about expanding AI options and more about having a backup plan when OpenAI inevitably implodes or tries to charge $100 million per API call.
“Look, it’s just good business to keep another AI in your back pocket,” said one executive who requested to be identified only as Definitely Not Satya Nadella. “It’s like dating someone new while keeping your ex’s number just in case they get rich someday.”
Developers can now build applications using both ChatGPT and Grok models simultaneously, allowing users to receive both carefully considered responses and tweets that would make a Reddit moderator blush, sometimes in the same conversation.
Industry experts predict that by 2025, approximately 94% of all Microsoft executives will be replaced by various forms of AI that spend their days passive-aggressively undermining each other in company-wide emails.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly developing a new feature called “Remember Who Funded You In The First Place, You Ungrateful B@stards” expected to launch next quarter.
