UK MILITARY TO REPLACE SOLDIERS WITH SIRI: “SHE’S BLOODTHIRSTY ENOUGH,” SAYS DEFENCE SECRETARY
British troops will soon be replaced by the same technology that can’t properly transcribe your drunk texts, as Defence Secretary John Healey announced plans to put artificial intelligence at the core of the UK’s military strategy, ensuring Britain loses wars with unprecedented efficiency.
ALEXA, LAUNCH THE NUKES
In an exclusive interview while frantically trying to stop his smart fridge from ordering 600 pints of milk, Healey outlined his vision where AI will command Britain’s armed forces, because what could possibly go wrong when the same technology that recommends you buy toilet paper after watching a sad movie is in charge of national security?
“We’re putting AI at the center of our strategic defence review,” Healey said, visibly flinching when his smartwatch suggested he “take a brisk walk” in the middle of describing potential nuclear scenarios.
MILITARY EXPERTS RAISE CONCERNS, THEN IMMEDIATELY GOOGLE HOW TO DELETE BROWSER HISTORY
Dr. Ima Skeptical, head of the Institute for Obviously Bad Ideas, questioned the wisdom of the plan. “So we’re giving control to the same technology that thinks I want to see ads for funeral homes because I once googled ‘why is my cactus dying’? F@#king brilliant.”
According to completely made-up statistics, 87% of military AI systems still can’t tell the difference between an enemy combatant and someone taking a selfie with a particularly threatening ice cream cone.
PROCUREMENT PROBLEMS SOLVED: AI WILL WASTE MONEY MORE EFFICIENTLY
The defence secretary promised that AI would help avoid the costly procurement mistakes of the past, replacing them with entirely new, spectacularly expensive failures no human could possibly conceive of.
“Instead of spending billions on equipment that doesn’t work, we’ll spend trillions on algorithms that don’t work but can explain why in a PowerPoint presentation,” said Professor Hugh Manfolly of the Department of Inevitable Regrets.
SOLDIERS TO BE RETRAINED AS TECH SUPPORT
Under the new plan, 73% of British soldiers will be retrained to answer the question “Have you tried turning it off and on again?” when the AI commanding the battlefield suddenly decides it needs a critical update during an invasion.
“The traditional soldier carried 60 pounds of gear,” explained General Button Masher. “Our new digital warriors will carry 120 pounds of charging cables, spare batteries, and those little doohickeys that get the SIM card out.”
NATO ALLIES CONCERNED, CONSIDERING SWITCHING TO MYSPACE FOR SECURE COMMUNICATIONS
Britain’s NATO allies have expressed concerns about the UK’s AI military ambitions, with one anonymous French official reportedly saying, “Mon dieu, these are the people whose parliament website was once crashed by people looking for recipes. We’re all going to die.”
When questioned about potential ethical issues, Healey responded by asking his digital assistant for advice, then stared blankly at reporters for four minutes while it searched for results on “ethical use of AI in killing people more efficiently.”
In a final demonstration of the technology’s readiness, the Ministry of Defence’s prototype AI general assessed the current global threat level as “You might also like: 10 Beach Bodies That Will Make You Say ‘What Happened to Their Torso?'”
At press time, Britain’s new AI defence system had already surrendered to a Nigerian prince email scam, transferring control of the nation’s nuclear arsenal in exchange for £10 million that should be arriving any day now.
