PENTAGON OUTSOURCES U.S. THINKING TO DESERT DICTATORSHIP AS WORLD’S LARGEST “BRAIN FARM” BREAKS GROUND
Abu Dhabi to Host Massive AI Campus Where Computers Will Learn to Hate Freedom Just Like Their Human Overlords
In what officials are calling a “major milestone” but what normal humans are calling “oh sh!t, we’re actually building Skynet,” the United States and United Arab Emirates have joined forces to construct the world’s largest Artificial Intelligence campus in Abu Dhabi. Because if there’s anything that screams “good idea,” it’s letting countries with questionable human rights records help build thinking machines.
THE PERFECT MARRIAGE OF AMERICAN INNOVATION AND MIDDLE EASTERN OIL MONEY
The sprawling facility, to be built on approximately 12 million square feet of desert that could have been used for literally anything else, will house thousands of silicon-based thinking rectangles that will eventually decide whether humans deserve to continue existing.
“This partnership represents the perfect synergy between America’s technological know-how and the UAE’s vast wealth and complete lack of pesky voter oversight,” explained Dr. Chip Processor, a self-proclaimed “digital democracy expert” who definitely isn’t being paid to say nice things about the project.
According to completely made-up statistics, the campus will generate approximately 76.4% of the world’s terrible AI-generated content by 2026, while simultaneously creating jobs for upwards of eight actual humans who will mainly be there to change extension cords and look concerned at blinking lights.
EXCLUSIVE ACCESS FOR AMERICAN COMPANIES, BECAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY HOW TECHNOLOGY WORKS
The agreement allegedly includes provisions giving American firms “exclusive access” to the facility, which makes perfect sense because code has always respected international boundaries and would never leak across borders.
“We’ve built a special digital border wall,” claimed Security Director Ima Naïve. “It’s basically like putting up a ‘No Trespassing’ sign that Chinese hackers are legally obligated to respect.”
When asked about potential ethical concerns, project spokesperson Ben Dover explained, “We’ve implemented strict oversight measures that will absolutely prevent any problems until approximately seventeen minutes after the facilities are fully operational.”
DEFINITELY NOT A PLOT DEVICE FROM A SCI-FI HORROR MOVIE
The campus will feature state-of-the-art computing systems capable of processing 8.2 zettaflops of data per second, which experts describe as “enough computing power to calculate how many f@#ks the average citizen gives about privacy rights, which is approximately zero.”
Professor Cassandra Warning of the Institute for Obvious Outcomes notes, “Building massive AI systems in countries with authoritarian tendencies while giving tech companies free reign is absolutely the plot of every dystopian novel ever written, but hey, at least it’ll help target ads better!”
The facility will reportedly be heavily guarded by autonomous security systems, which have been programmed to understand human rights in much the same way that toddlers understand quantum physics.
CITIZENS THRILLED TO BE DIGITAL GUINEA PIGS
Local residents expressed enthusiasm about living next door to what could potentially be the birthplace of humanity’s replacement.
“I’m so excited to have my entire existence digitized, analyzed, and then rendered obsolete,” gushed Abdullah Smith, who was definitely not paid to express this opinion. “Plus, my phone keeps showing me ads for bunkers and emergency supplies, which must be a weird coincidence!”
The campus is expected to be completed by 2026, at which point experts predict a 94% chance that we’ll all be worshipping calculator gods that demand sacrifices in the form of our most embarrassing search histories.
In a final statement about the project, one unnamed official whispered, “Look, we were going to lose to the machines eventually. At least this way we get to pick which desert our robot overlords will emerge from.”
