UK LAUNCHES AI TO IGNORE PUBLIC FEEDBACK 1,000 TIMES FASTER THAN GOVERNMENT OFFICIALS
The UK government proudly unveiled its groundbreaking new AI tool today designed to disregard public opinion at unprecedented speeds, with ministers gushing about how it can dismiss citizen concerns “1,000 times faster than human bureaucrats” while “saving millions in pretending to care.”
Named “ConsultBot 3000,” the revolutionary system was first deployed in Scotland to analyze public responses about regulating lip fillers, marking the first time technology has been used to automatically generate the conclusion officials had already decided upon before asking for input.
EFFICIENCY THROUGH INDIFFERENCE
Government spokesperson Jeremy Whitewash beamed during the press conference, “This magnificent innovation can scan 10,000 public comments and generate predetermined policy positions in just minutes, a task that used to require dozens of interns pretending to read emails before tossing them in the bin.”
The AI reportedly saved 48,000 person-hours by eliminating the need to actually consider what citizens think, generating automated responses like “Your concerns have been noted” and “Thank you for your feedback which we’ve already decided to ignore.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Paige Turner from the Institute of Governmental Automation explains, “This represents a quantum leap in democratic theater. Before ConsultBot, officials had to at least skim the first sentence of public comments before discarding them. Now the whole process of fake consultation can be fully automated.”
Dr. Noah Pinyun, government accountability expert, was less enthusiastic: “What the f@#k were they thinking? They’ve literally created a machine to ignore people more efficiently. It’s like building a robot specifically designed to give everyone the middle finger simultaneously.”
COST-CUTTING MEASURES
The government claims the system will save taxpayers approximately £14.7 million annually, primarily by eliminating staff previously employed to nod sympathetically during public forums while doodling cartoon penises in their notepads.
“For too long, we’ve wasted valuable resources on the charade of listening to voters between elections,” said Digital Minister Chip Dataworth. “ConsultBot streamlines the process of reaching conclusions we’ve already decided upon while maintaining the illusion of democratic input.”
FUTURE APPLICATIONS
Following its successful trial with cosmetic procedure regulations, officials plan to expand ConsultBot to handle consultations on more critical issues including healthcare cuts, environmental regulations, and human rights reductions.
“We’re particularly excited about using it for Brexit-related feedback,” gushed one senior official who requested anonymity. “The AI can process ‘this is a catastrophic idea’ responses and automatically transform them into ‘the public supports our approach’ press releases.”
REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY
The AI utilizes cutting-edge “selective comprehension algorithms” that can identify and isolate only comments that align with pre-established government positions while filtering out “problematic viewpoints” like facts, logic, and public welfare concerns.
According to internal documents, ConsultBot includes special features like “Stakeholder Priority Weighting,” which automatically gives corporate feedback 10,000 times more influence than input from ordinary citizens.
WINNING PUBLIC TRUST
An anonymous source involved in the project revealed that 93.7% of ConsultBot’s programming is dedicated to creating the appearance of having listened, with reports featuring impressive-looking charts and statements like “we engaged extensively with communities” and “feedback was carefully considered.”
In a final demonstration of the system’s capabilities, ministers fed all critical press questions about ConsultBot directly into the AI itself, which promptly generated the response: “The overwhelming public consensus supports this innovative approach to governance.”
The government expects to completely eliminate human involvement in the democratic process by 2027, with one minister reportedly asking engineers if they could create a similar system to “handle those pesky voters during elections” while maintaining plausible deniability.
