DESPERATE MILLENNIALS INSTALL “FACE-SWAPPING PORN MALWARE” JUST TO FEEL SOMETHING AGAIN
Thousands of emotionally dead 30-somethings willingly download obvious scam software in transparent attempt to remember joy
DIGITAL DESPERATION REACHES NEW LOWS
In what security researchers are calling “the saddest f@#king thing we’ve ever seen,” thousands of numb-inside millennials have enthusiastically installed malware disguised as AI video generators, just for a fleeting dopamine hit their hollow lives can no longer provide naturally.
The malware, dubbed “Noodlophile” because even cyber criminals have given up on clever naming conventions, has been spreading faster than student loan debt among users desperate to put Nicolas Cage’s face on their ex’s wedding photos.
“People are LITERALLY clicking download buttons that say ‘DEFINITELY NOT MALWARE.EXE’ because they’re that desperate to feel something, anything, even if it’s just digital violation,” explains cybersecurity expert Dr. Obviousa Redflags, founder of JesusChristJustUseYourBrain Industries.
THE INVASION OF THE DATA SNATCHERS
The malware works by promising users they can create “mind-blowing AI videos” but instead steals their banking information, social media passwords, and most devastating of all, their pathetic collection of unfinished novels and screenplay drafts.
“We’ve never seen victims so willing to be victimized,” notes FBI cyber division agent Holden McGroin. “When we call to inform them their identity has been stolen, 78.3% respond with ‘at least someone wants it.'”
GENERATION MENTALLY UNWELL
Studies indicate that 91.4% of victims were already contemplating downloading the software even AFTER being shown warnings it would steal their data.
“I just wanted to see what I’d look like if I was happy,” explained victim Trevor Sadman, 34, who lost $12,000 and gained a Romanian roommate living inside his smart fridge. “Plus, my credit score was the only number in my life that was going up.”
Social media platforms have become unwitting accomplices in spreading the malware, with Facebook in particular serving as the perfect delivery vehicle since it’s already where dreams go to die.
EXPERTS RECOMMEND TOUCHING GRASS
“The most effective protection against this type of attack is remembering what joy felt like before the internet ruined your brain,” suggests Professor Real Human Connection of the Institute for People Who Still Go Outside Sometimes.
Cybersecurity firms are working on solutions, but admit they’re struggling since their entire workforce also downloaded the malware “just to see what would happen.”
At press time, victims reported that having their identities stolen was “the most attention they’ve received in years,” with many requesting their hackers “please check in on them occasionally, even if it’s just to demand more ransom money.”
