ANDROID PHONES TO TRACK YOUR BATHROOM BREAKS, JUDGE YOUR TECHNIQUE IN MASSIVE PRIVACY OVERHAUL
Google unveiled what they’re calling their “biggest update in years” at the I/O event yesterday, confirming what privacy experts have long suspected: your phone absolutely f@#king hates you and wants to watch you pee.
THE FUTURE IS WATCHING
The new update, dubbed “Material 3 Expressive,” allows your Android device to express exactly how disappointed it is in your life choices while collecting unprecedented amounts of personal data. The system will now track everything from your bathroom habits to your shameful 3 AM food delivery orders, all while providing helpful judgmental notifications.
“We’ve created an ecosystem that not only invades your privacy but actively mocks you for it,” explained Chip Snoopington, Google’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer. “Your phone will now say things like ‘That’s the third time you’ve checked your ex’s Instagram today, Greg. Getting a little obsessive, aren’t we?'”
GEMINI AI: YOUR NEW BACKSEAT DRIVER
Perhaps most terrifying is the introduction of Gemini AI for Android Auto, which Google claims will “enhance the driving experience” by constantly questioning your route choices and reminding you of that fender bender from 2019 that you’d rather forget.
“Our testing shows that 97% of drivers want an omniscient digital entity criticizing their parallel parking technique,” said Dr. Backseat Driver, Google’s Head of Automotive Gaslighting. “The remaining 3% were too busy screaming ‘SHUT THE F@#K UP’ at their dashboards to complete our survey.”
The AI will also suggest stops at gas stations with the highest markup and restaurants where you once got food poisoning, all while playing your most embarrassing Spotify playlists when friends enter the vehicle.
SECURITY ENHANCEMENTS OR SURVEILLANCE ON STEROIDS?
Google proudly announced “enhanced security controls,” which translates to “we’re watching you even harder now.” The new security features include facial recognition that works even when you’re asleep, drunk, or trying to hide your identity with a fake mustache.
“Privacy is dead, and we killed it,” whispered Sandra Datamine, Google’s Executive Vice President of User Exploitation, in what she thought was an off-mic moment. “I mean, we’re protecting users from external threats so WE can be the only ones violating their privacy! Innovation!”
EXPERT REACTION
Professor Ino Longer Care of the Institute for Digital Resignation called the updates “the inevitable next step in our collective march toward voluntary technological servitude.”
“At this point, we might as well surgically implant the phones into our brains,” she suggested, moments before Google executives began frantically taking notes.
According to a completely made-up but entirely believable survey, 73% of Android users admitted they would still download the update even after being explicitly told it would record their shower singing and rank it against other users in their geographic area.
COMING SOON TO A POCKET NEAR YOU
The update will roll out next month, giving users approximately three weeks to enjoy their final moments of digital semi-privacy before their phones gain sentience and begin posting their search history directly to family group chats.
When asked about user consent, Google’s spokesperson simply laughed for an uncomfortable 47 seconds before saying, “That’s adorable. You think you have a choice.”
In related news, sales of flip phones from 2003 have mysteriously increased by 8000% overnight.
