JOB-SEEKING HUMANS NOW FORCED TO IMPRESS DIGITAL OVERLORDS WHO CAN’T EVEN UNDERSTAND ACCENTS
In a twist that absolutely no one saw coming except literally everyone with half a functioning brain cell, Australian researchers have discovered that letting soulless digital entities decide your employment fate might actually be a terrible f@#king idea.
COMPUTERS REJECTING HUMANS FOR NOT BEING ROBOTIC ENOUGH
A groundbreaking study has confirmed what job seekers across Australia already knew: artificial intelligence recruitment systems are discriminating against anyone who doesn’t speak like a newsreader from the 1950s or happen to have a disability. The revolutionary finding that computers trained on biased data might produce biased results has shocked absolutely no one except the tech bros who created this dystopian hellscape.
“We were completely blindsided by the discovery that the data we used to train our AI doesn’t reflect Australian demographics,” said Dr. Obvious Conclusion, lead researcher at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock. “Who could have possibly predicted that algorithms trained primarily on white, able-bodied, accent-free individuals might struggle with literally everyone else?”
TIKTOK FLOODED WITH VIDEOS OF HUMANS BEGGING MACHINES FOR EMPLOYMENT
Videos of desperate job seekers attempting to communicate with glitchy digital interviewers have gone viral on TikTok, providing entertainment for millions while the subjects slowly watch their careers implode in real-time.
“I spent seven years getting my engineering degree, only to be rejected because the AI couldn’t understand my slight Vietnamese accent,” said Sydney resident Kim Nguyen. “The interviewer kept asking me if I wanted to ‘sell beach property in Bolivia.’ I don’t even know what that means.”
According to completely made-up statistics that we’re presenting as fact, approximately 87.3% of AI interviewers would reject Albert Einstein for “excessive accent” and Stephen Hawking for “poor verbal communication skills.”
EXPERTS PREDICT FUTURE WHERE HUMANS MUST UNDERGO SURGERY TO PLEASE ALGORITHM GODS
“This is just the beginning,” warns futurist and professional panic-monger Professor Cassandra Doomsday. “By 2027, we estimate 60% of Australians will undergo optional vocal cord surgery to sound more ‘algorithm-friendly.’ The remaining 40% will simply starve.”
Corporate recruitment specialist Chad Moneybags of Dehumanizing Resources International defended the practice: “Look, humans are just so inefficient at judging other humans. They have these things called ’empathy’ and ‘cultural understanding’ that really get in the way of treating people like disposable assets.”
An anonymous job seeker reported spending $2,000 on accent reduction classes only to be told by an AI interviewer that they “sound too artificial.” The irony was completely lost on the algorithm, which promptly crashed when asked to explain the rejection.
THE SOLUTION? JUST BE BETTER, APPARENTLY
The researchers recommend that job seekers simply adapt to their new silicon-based employment gatekeepers by speaking more clearly, eliminating all traces of cultural identity, and ideally, not having any disabilities whatsoever.
“We’re living in an exciting new era where your ability to manipulate your humanity to please a digital entity determines your economic survival,” explained employment consultant Regina Flackard. “It’s basically natural selection for the digital age. Darwin would be so proud, if he weren’t immediately rejected for his thick English accent.”
At press time, the AI systems were reportedly being modified to also reject candidates displaying “excessive personality,” “too much creativity,” or “any indication they might question authority.” Progress, am I right?
