TRUMP TERMINATES COPYRIGHT NERD WHO DARED SUGGEST AI MIGHT NEED RULES
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king nobody, President Donald Trump has fired yet another government official who committed the unforgivable sin of doing their actual job.
SILICON VALLEY’S FAVORITE NEW STRIPPER POLE: COPYRIGHT LAW
Shira Perlmutter, former head of the US Copyright Office and apparent enemy of digital progress, was unceremoniously booted from her position Saturday after publishing a report suggesting that billionaire tech bros might need to follow some basic rules when their thinking toasters steal content from actual human creators.
The firing comes just days after Trump axed the Librarian of Congress, apparently unaware that libraries still exist in 2025.
“We don’t need copyright nerds telling us what our machine friends can and cannot learn from,” said newly appointed Secretary of Disruptive Innovation, Chad MoneyPrinter. “These pointy-headed bureaucrats with their ‘laws’ and ‘regulations’ are standing in the way of America’s God-given right to have computers rewrite Harry Potter but with more guns.”
EXPERTS REACT WITH SHOCK, AWE, AND LOTS OF SHRIEKING
Industry experts were quick to weigh in on the sudden termination.
“This is clearly a calculated move to ensure nothing stands between tech companies and their divine mandate to hoover up all human creativity without compensation,” explained Dr. Seymour Obvious, Professor of Regulatory Slaughtering at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock.
According to sources who wished to remain anonymous because they enjoy being employed, Perlmutter’s report contained radical suggestions like “maybe we should think about who owns AI-generated content” and the even more controversial “perhaps training algorithms on copyrighted works without permission is problematic.”
ADMINISTRATION DENIES CONNECTIONS TO TECH BILLIONAIRES DESPITE MASSIVE THROBBING EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY
White House spokesperson Amber Gaslight denied the firing had anything to do with pressure from tech companies who donated approximately eleventy billion dollars to various Trump-adjacent PACs.
“The President simply felt Ms. Perlmutter wasn’t aligned with his vision of a copyright system that primarily benefits people who already have more money than God,” Gaslight explained while frantically deleting texts from Elon Musk.
A recent study by the totally real Institute for Common Sense found that 97% of Americans couldn’t give less of a sh!t about copyright law until their favorite TikToker gets sued for dancing to a song without permission.
REPLACEMENT ALREADY CHOSEN, COINCIDENTALLY OWNS ZERO BOOKS
Sources confirm Trump’s new pick to head the Copyright Office is 28-year-old Braden WealthSon III, whose primary qualifications include being the nephew of a major donor and once downloading a cracked version of Photoshop without getting caught.
WealthSon’s copyright expertise reportedly consists of occasionally typing “is it illegal to…” into Google before shrugging and doing whatever the hell he wants anyway.
At press time, WealthSon was reportedly drafting new copyright guidelines that simply read “vibes only” and “finders keepers,” which administration officials praised as “refreshingly uncomplicated by legal precedent or basic fairness.”
In related news, Trump has announced plans to replace the entire Library of Congress with a single iPad loaded with Joe Rogan podcasts and a sticky note that says “books are for losers.”
