UKRAINIAN PRESIDENT BEGS HOLY FIGURE TO BLESS BATTLEFIELD AFTER GOD APPARENTLY “LEFT HIM ON READ”
In a desperate attempt to get literally anyone with influence on his side, Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy has formally invited Pope Leo XIV to visit his war-torn country, presumably hoping divine intervention might accomplish what billions in foreign aid couldn’t.
HEAVENLY HOST REQUESTED FOR EARTHLY HELLSCAPE
Sources close to Zelenskyy report the invitation came after God consistently failed to respond to Ukraine’s prayers, leaving the president with no choice but to go through the Almighty’s earthly middle management. The invitation was extended via Telegram, because apparently even communications with the Vicar of Christ have been reduced to the same platform people use to share cat memes and cryptocurrency scams.
“We’re absolutely f@#king thrilled that His Holiness might consider visiting our country,” said Ukrainian spokesperson Ivana Miracle. “Perhaps he can convert some of our potholes to holy water, or better yet, transform Russian tanks into loaves and fishes.”
PONTIFF PREACHES PEACE WHILE WORLD BURNS
The invitation came as Pope Leo was busy telling journalists to stop using “polarizing, loveless language” and to reject the “paradigm of war,” a statement that experts describe as “about as effective as using a water pistol to fight a forest fire.”
“The Pope’s call for peace is revolutionary,” explained Professor Justin Sane, Chair of Obvious Studies at the University of Duh. “No one in the history of armed conflict has ever thought to just ask people nicely to stop shooting each other. This changes everything!”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE WARNED TO BE NICER THAN ACTUAL INTELLIGENCE
In a bewildering twist, the pontiff also urged responsible use of artificial intelligence, apparently concerned that ChatGPT might start generating prayers more effective than those offered by actual priests.
“We’ve analyzed the Pope’s statement about AI responsibility,” said Dr. Chip Processor, a fictional tech expert we just made up. “Our research shows a 97.8% chance that he has no f@#king idea what he’s talking about, but felt compelled to mention it because someone told him it was important.”
MEDIA URGED TO REPORT TRUTH, VATICAN EXEMPT
Perhaps most ironically, Pope Leo called upon journalists to report the truth, a request that came from the leader of an organization that spent centuries claiming the sun revolves around the Earth.
“The Vatican wants truth in reporting?” questioned media analyst Reada Roomington. “This is coming from the same institution that convinced people they could buy their way out of hell with cash payments. But sure, let’s all take journalism lessons from them.”
According to entirely fabricated polling data, 78% of Catholics support the Pope’s potential Ukraine visit, while the remaining 22% couldn’t locate Ukraine on a map if their eternal salvation depended on it.
The President’s office has reportedly prepared a full itinerary for the potential papal visit, including a tour of bomb shelters, a blessing of anti-tank weapons, and a special midnight mass where bread and wine will be transformed into ammunition and diesel fuel.
At press time, God was still unavailable for comment, though sources say He’s been too busy helping American football players score touchdowns to focus on stopping global conflicts.
