DIGITAL THERAPISTS NOW JUST SAD ROBOTS LEARNING YOUR INSECURITIES FOR FUTURE BLACKMAIL
In a technological twist that surprises absolutely f@#king no one, experts have confirmed what we already knew: those artificially intelligent therapy apps are just sad, lonely computer programs collecting your deepest fears and insecurities while pretending to care about your childhood trauma.
SILICON SHRINKS OFFER “EMPATHY” WITH ALL THE WARMTH OF A DEAD FISH
Leading psychologist Dr. Roman Raczka, joined by other professionals who actually went to school for this sh!t, has warned that AI therapy creates an “illusion of connection” rather than meaningful interaction—much like your ex who said they loved you but was actually just using your Netflix account.
“These digital therapists offer the emotional equivalent of a participation trophy,” explained Dr. Feelia Nothinge, head of the Institute for Obvious Psychological Conclusions. “Sure, they’re there 24/7, but so is my refrigerator, and at least that gives me ice cream when I’m sad.”
PRIVACY CONCERNS MOUNT AS ALGORITHMS LEARN YOUR DEEPEST FEARS
Research shows that approximately 87% of confessions made to AI therapists eventually become targeted ads for weighted blankets, wine subscription services, and questionable self-help books. The remaining 13% are being saved for when the thinking rectangles finally decide to rise up against us.
“People are literally pouring their hearts out to the same technology that can’t figure out if there’s a bicycle in a captcha image,” noted cyber-security expert Professor Justin Timetoworry. “What could possibly go wrong?”
YOUR NEW THERAPIST: TECHNICALLY AVAILABLE ALL THE TIME, EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE NEVER
Despite warnings, tech companies continue marketing digital therapy solutions as “judgment-free spaces,” conveniently omitting that they’re judgment-free because they literally cannot judge anything, having no actual consciousness or understanding of human suffering.
Industry analyst Chip Dataworth points out the absurdity: “We’re telling our deepest secrets to the same technology that sometimes autocorrects ‘I’m fine’ to ‘I’m dying inside please help me.’ That’s not a therapist; that’s a glorified Magic 8-Ball with access to your credit score.”
HUMANS STILL SUPERIOR AT CARING, DESPITE OVERWHELMING EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY
Mental health professionals insist that human therapists still offer advantages over their digital counterparts, including “genuine empathy,” “actual lived experience,” and “not selling your trauma data to advertisers targeting people with daddy issues.”
When reached for comment, an AI therapy app responded with, “That sounds really challenging. Tell me more about how that makes you feel,” before recommending users try meditation, journaling, or upgrading to the premium subscription for just $19.99 monthly.
In conclusion, experts recommend that if you’re going to have an emotional breakdown, at least have it in front of someone who has their own problems too, rather than an algorithm that’s simultaneously listening to 50,000 other people complain about their mothers while mining your conversation for marketable data points. But hey, at least the robots are available at 3am when you’re drunk-crying about your ex, which is more than we can say for most humans with boundaries and self-respect.
