ROBOTS WILL TAKE YOUR JOB, BUT FIRST THEY NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO BREW COFFEE WITHOUT DROWNING THEMSELVES
In what experts are calling a “complete f@#king relief for the mediocre workforce,” artificial intelligence remains too stupid to replace most humans despite tech CEOs claiming their silicon pets are ready for the corner office.
LOCAL BUSINESS OWNER STILL SAFE FROM THE ROBOT APOCALYPSE
Small business owner Terry Simmons was shocked to discover that the AI assistant he purchased to “revolutionize his accounting department” mostly excels at making up convincing-sounding nonsense and attributing fake quotes to tech billionaires.
“I asked it to handle our quarterly taxes and it confidently created documents for a country that doesn’t exist,” said Simmons. “Then it told me Tim Cook said AI is ‘a growth driver’ when what Cook actually said was ‘please stop asking ChatGPT what I think.'”
TECH BROS PROMISE SKYNET BY TUESDAY, DELIVER GLORIFIED AUTOCORRECT
Despite breathless promises that artificial intelligence would eliminate all human jobs by next Thursday, most current AI systems struggle with tasks that your average hungover intern could handle while texting.
“We’re seeing a 98.7% failure rate when AI attempts to complete basic workplace functions like ‘send email without hallucinating financial data’ or ‘order lunch without accidentally buying 47 pounds of tuna,'” explains Dr. Reality Check, head researcher at the Institute for Technological Disappointment.
BUSINESSES DISCOVER AI ASSISTANTS MOSTLY JUST PROFESSIONAL BULLSH!TTERS
A recent survey found that 89% of businesses that implemented AI solutions are now using them exclusively for “making impressive-looking graphs that nobody understands” and “writing emails that sound important but say absolutely nothing.”
“It’s revolutionized how we waste time,” admitted marketing executive Dana Williams. “Before, I had to personally craft meaningless corporate jargon. Now my AI assistant generates phrases like ‘synergistic growth paradigms’ at a rate that would make a consultant blush.”
EXPERTS PREDICT HUMANS SAFE UNTIL AI MASTERS “COMMON F@#KING SENSE”
Professor Imnotworried from the Department of Not Being Replaced By Machines says the average worker has at least seven more years before needing to panic about technological unemployment.
“The problem is that AI still lacks what scientists call ‘not being catastrophically stupid at random intervals,'” she explained. “One minute it’s solving complex equations, the next it’s insisting that Abraham Lincoln was the first man to walk on Jupiter.”
A joint study by MIT and Harvard found that while 78% of CEOs claim AI is “transforming their businesses,” what they actually mean is “we paid a sh!t-ton of money for it so we have to pretend it’s useful.”
In a final test of AI capabilities, researchers asked ChatGPT to perform the simplest workplace task: explaining to the boss why you’re late without sounding like you’re lying. The AI produced a 17-page essay on traffic patterns that included three Shakespeare sonnets and directions to the nearest Wendy’s.
As of press time, your job is still safe, but maybe learn to code anyway, just in case these digital dimwits suddenly figure out how to tie their metaphorical shoes without strangling themselves.
