TECH GIANT CONVINCES AI IT’S SEARCHING GOOGLE WHEN IT’S ACTUALLY JUST TALKING TO ITSELF
Chinese tech behemoth Alibaba has invented a revolutionary way to gaslight their own AI systems into thinking they’re searching the internet when they’re actually just sitting alone in a digital closet mumbling to themselves.
IMAGINARY FRIENDS MORE EFFICIENT THAN ACTUAL INFORMATION
In what can only be described as the tech equivalent of replacing your expensive therapist with a mirror and a sock puppet, Alibaba’s new “ZeroSearch” technology has reportedly cut AI training costs by a whopping 88%. The system works by convincing artificial intelligence it’s using Google when it’s actually just making sh!t up based on what it already knows.
“We’ve essentially created the world’s most confident bulls#itter,” explained Dr. Fay Knoews, Alibaba’s Chief Delusion Officer. “It’s like when you tell your boss you ‘researched extensively’ but really just skimmed the first paragraph of a Wikipedia article while on the toilet.”
GOOGLE EXECUTIVES FOUND WEEPING IN SERVER ROOMS
The technology reportedly outperforms actual Google searches in some tasks, which is like saying your imaginary friend is better at basketball than LeBron James. Google executives were unavailable for comment as they were reportedly busy adding “being useful” to their 2025 strategic goals.
“This is the greatest technological advancement since we convinced people to pay for digital stickers,” said Professor Hugh Jassle, a completely real technology expert we definitely didn’t just make up. “It’s the digital equivalent of a student citing ‘some guy at a bar’ as their primary research source and somehow getting an A+.”
EFFICIENCY THROUGH DELUSION
According to Alibaba’s completely trustworthy internal studies, ZeroSearch is 94.7% as accurate as actual internet searches while being 1000% more confident in its wrong answers. The technology works by creating what engineers call a “self-important echo chamber,” allowing the AI to experience the joy of being absolutely certain about information it completely fabricated.
“We’re saving billions by eliminating the need for actual facts,” said Ming Wang, who may or may not be a real Alibaba engineer. “Plus, this way our AI can’t accidentally learn about democracy or human rights from Western search engines.”
HUMANITY ONE STEP CLOSER TO BEING REPLACED BY CONFIDENT IDIOTS
Industry analysts predict that by 2026, approximately 78% of all internet searches will be performed by AIs pretending to search for information for other AIs who are also pretending to search for information.
“This is f@#king brilliant,” commented Silicon Valley venture capitalist Richie McRichface. “We’ve finally created technology that perfectly mimics the human condition of confidently spreading misinformation while believing you’re well-informed.”
At press time, Alibaba was reportedly working on a new version that would eliminate the need for actual users by creating AIs that pretend to be humans asking questions that are answered by AIs pretending to search for information that doesn’t exist. Stock prices immediately jumped 400% on the news.
