SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: YOUR EXPENSIVE IPHONE WILL SOON BE AS USEFUL AS YOUR GRANDPA’S ROTARY PHONE
In a revelation that has tech enthusiasts questioning their life choices and bank accounts, Apple executive Eddy Cue casually mentioned that iPhones might be “completely f@#king obsolete” within a decade, sending Apple stockholders into therapy worldwide.
THE DEATH OF YOUR STATUS SYMBOL IS IMMINENT
During what witnesses described as “an episode of temporary honesty,” Cue suggested that the $1200 rectangle you just finished paying off might soon join the ranks of pagers, floppy disks, and human cashiers in the dustbin of technological history.
“We’re pivoting to selling invisible products you can’t show off at brunch,” Cue reportedly whispered to a horrified audience while maintaining his corporate smile.
Industry expert Dr. Planned Obsolescence explained the strategy: “Apple has successfully convinced humans to replace perfectly functional devices every 12 months for 15 years. Now they’re experimenting with selling actual nothing. It’s brilliant.”
According to entirely made-up statistics, 97.3% of iPhone purchases are motivated solely by the desire to avoid green text bubbles in group chats, with the remaining 2.7% attributable to “needing something expensive to drop in toilet.”
AI TAKEOVER DISGUISED AS CONVENIENCE
The real reason for the iPhone’s impending death appears to be Apple’s new focus on AI search engines that will “completely revolutionize how we spy on you,” according to company materials.
Safari, Apple’s browser that you only use to download Chrome, will soon feature AI capabilities so advanced they can predict not only what you’re searching for but also what existential crisis you’ll be having next Thursday.
“Our new AI can provide search results before you even know you need them,” explained Silicon Valley futurist Professor Algo Rhythm. “It’s like having a psychic in your pocket, except this one harvests your personal data instead of just your $20 bills.”
GOOGLE EXECUTIVES FOUND WEEPING IN SERVER ROOMS
The shift threatens Google’s long-standing search dominance, ending their 20-year monopoly on knowing what weird medical symptoms you google at 3am.
Google spokesperson Ima Worried told reporters, “We’re not concerned about Apple’s advances in AI search technology,” before immediately updating her LinkedIn profile and ordering a stress ball collection on Amazon.
Internal documents reveal Google executives are considering desperate measures, including actually answering the question you asked instead of the one that sells more ads.
In related news, 94% of current iPhone owners interviewed admitted they have absolutely no f@#king clue what they’d do with their hands if phones disappeared. The remaining 6% were too busy taking selfies to respond.
As the world contemplates a future without iPhones, Apple is reportedly developing a $499 empty box called the “iMagine” that consumers can pretend contains revolutionary technology while still experiencing the joy of financial regret.
