DESPERATE EXECS HURL BILLIONS AT AI DESPITE SEEING ABSOLUTELY F@#KING NOTHING IN RETURN
Corporate America Still Betting the Farm on Digital Snake Oil as Results Flatline
SPREADSHEETS CRYING IN THE CORNER
In what experts are calling “the most expensive corporate circle jerk in history,” IBM’s latest study reveals that companies implementing artificial intelligence have seen returns ranging from “virtually nothing” to “wait, where did all our money go?” Despite these lackluster results, CEOs across America continue throwing cash at AI like drunk bachelors at a Vegas strip club.
IBM’s Gary Cohn stated with a straight face that “leaders who fail to use AI and their own data are effectively choosing not to compete,” apparently unaware that companies ACTUALLY using AI are competing about as effectively as a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.
MONEY SHREDDING DEPARTMENT
The study, which surveyed executives desperately trying to justify their AI expenditures to increasingly skeptical boards, found that 42% of companies have invested more than $1 million in AI, with exactly jack sh!t to show for it. An additional 37% reported their AI implementation was “still in progress,” corporate-speak for “we’ve blown through our budget and have nothing but colorful PowerPoint slides.”
“It’s absolutely critical that companies continue investing in AI regardless of results,” explained Dr. Cashburn Wantmore, Chief Technology Evangelist at ConsultingScamCorp. “Without AI, how else can executives justify their seven-figure bonuses while laying off 30% of their workforce?”
THE DELUSION CONTINUES
The most fascinating aspect of the study reveals that despite seeing returns comparable to investing in Blockbuster Video circa 2010, a staggering 95% of executives remain “fully committed” to AI implementation.
“We’ve spent $12 million on our AI initiative and so far it’s correctly predicted what I want for lunch twice,” boasted Chad Moneybags, CEO of Fortune 500 company WastedCapital Inc. “That’s a success rate of almost 0.4%, which represents a 0.1% increase from when I just asked my assistant what I feel like eating!”
MAKING UP NUMBERS IN REAL TIME
Financial analyst Sharon Madeitall found that companies claiming “significant ROI” from AI implementations were using measurement techniques including “vibes,” “gut feelings,” and “counting things that would have happened anyway.”
“We’ve developed a proprietary AI ROI calculator,” explained Madeitall. “It’s a regular calculator where we add three zeros to whatever number makes the CTO look good.”
INNOVATION OR CAREER SUICIDE
IBM’s study also revealed the real motivation behind continued AI investment: 87% of executives admitted they’d “rather waste $50 million on failed AI projects than be the only company at the country club without an AI strategy.”
“Listen, nobody ever got fired for buying IBM,” said Professor Peer Pressure from the Harvard Business School. “But in 2023, you’ll absolutely get fired for suggesting maybe we pump the brakes on this whole AI thing until we figure out what the f@#k we’re doing.”
When reached for comment about the actual ROI numbers, IBM representatives sent a 400-page document that, when summarized by their own AI system, read simply: “Results inconclusive, please send more money.”
As companies continue bleeding cash on algorithmic systems that primarily excel at generating buzzwords and consuming electricity, shareholders can rest easy knowing that if they wait just 247 more years, they might finally see that promised return on investment, assuming humans haven’t been replaced by the very technology they’re bankrupting themselves to create.
