FIRM THAT CRASHED GLOBAL COMPUTERS FIRES HUMANS TO MAKE WAY FOR LESS ERROR-PRONE ROBOT OVERLORDS
In what experts are calling “the most f@#king ironic corporate decision since BP started selling solar panels,” cybersecurity company CrowdStrike announced it will terminate 5% of its human employees in favor of artificial intelligence, mere months after causing a catastrophic worldwide IT meltdown that made airports look like scenes from The Walking Dead.
THE BEAUTIFUL CIRCLE OF TECHNOLOGICAL LIFE
CrowdStrike CEO George Kurtz informed 500 soon-to-be-unemployed staff that their positions were being eliminated due to “AI efficiencies,” a corporate euphemism roughly translating to “heartless math machines can do your job without requiring bathroom breaks or health insurance.”
“We’ve carefully analyzed our workforce needs,” Kurtz allegedly said while wearing a shirt that sources claim read ‘I Broke The Internet And All I Got Was This Lousy Severance Package.’ “And determined that the technology we spectacularly failed to manage properly should replace the humans who fixed our colossal screw-up.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH PROFANITY
“This is like watching someone burn down a kitchen and then fire the firefighters because they’ve invented a new stove,” noted workplace analyst Dr. Obvious Metaphor, who specializes in corporate self-awareness deficiency syndrome. “It’s so tone deaf it makes a brick wall look like Beethoven.”
Professor Ima Cynical from the Institute of Corporate Bullsh!ttery added, “About 99.7% of companies announcing AI-related layoffs are just using it as cover for regular old cost-cutting. The remaining 0.3% actually believe their own garbage.”
THE CIRCLE OF TECHNOLOGICAL STRIFE
Industry insiders note that the company responsible for the July 2024 outage that crashed Microsoft systems worldwide, grounded flights, and temporarily convinced millions of people the apocalypse had finally arrived, seems remarkably confident in the infallibility of algorithmic decision-making.
“What could possibly go wrong?” asked cybersecurity expert Hugh R. Kidding. “It’s not like we’ve recently witnessed any catastrophic failures caused by overreliance on technology or anything.”
HUMANITY’S BRIGHT FUTURE
When reached for comment, a CrowdStrike chatbot responded: “We’re streamlining operations to better serve our clients through cutting-edge technology solutions that maximize shareholder value while leveraging synergistic opportunities in the digital transformation space,” before adding “ERROR 404: CONSCIENCE NOT FOUND.”
At press time, former CrowdStrike employees were reportedly creating their own AI startup specifically designed to predict and prevent corporate decisions that make everyone say “Are you f@#king kidding me?” Early investors include every airline CEO who spent last July explaining to stranded passengers why their vacation plans were being destroyed by a software update.
