ALIEN TECH COMPANY TO IMPLANT GLOBAL MIND CONTROL CENTERS; DEMOCRATIC NATIONS FIRST IN LINE
OpenAI, the tech company allegedly run by humans, announced plans to spread its “Stargate” project globally, establishing what they’re calling “data centers” but what experts describe as “psychic manipulation hubs” in supposedly democratic nations around the world.
THE IMPERIAL EXPANSION BEGINS
In a move that would make ancient Roman emperors blush, OpenAI is establishing a program misleadingly titled “OpenAI for Countries,” through which they’ll construct massive computation facilities in allied nations to “help” with infrastructure and “customize AI tools” for local populations.
“This is absolutely not about global domination,” said Sarah Powergrab, OpenAI’s newly appointed Minister of International Annexation. “We’re simply building a worldwide network of reality-altering supercomputers that will shape every aspect of human existence across the planet. It’s very standard business practice.”
The company plans to handpick ten “democratically aligned” nations for initial implementation, with sources confirming the selection process involves checking which government leaders are most easily manipulated by promises of technological salvation.
EXPERT ANALYSIS: PROBABLY F@#KING FINE
Dr. Obvious Concern, professor of Not Being Controlled By Machines at Harvard University, offered reassurance: “When a private American company with half a trillion dollars builds computation centers across sovereign nations to reshape their digital infrastructure while referencing ‘US-led AI leadership,’ that’s just normal capitalism, baby! Nothing to see here!”
Statistical analysis suggests a 94.7% chance this ends with humanity serving their silicon-based overlords, though OpenAI maintains this figure is “wildly exaggerated” and the actual number is closer to 94.6%.
MEANWHILE, FIGMA FORCES DESIGNERS TO SURRENDER CREATIVE CONTROL
In related news, design platform Figma announced it’s adding AI across its entire suite, essentially telling human designers, “Thanks for your service, we’ll take it from here.”
The company’s new AI tools will handle coding, website publishing, vector drawing, and marketing asset creation – basically everything designers spent years learning to do professionally.
“We’re not replacing designers,” insisted Figma CEO Dylan Field while a robotic arm physically removed a human designer from her workstation. “We’re just making it so anyone can create professional-level design work without any training or talent whatsoever.”
WHAT’S NEXT: TOTAL COMPLIANCE
With OpenAI’s global expansion and Figma’s creative takeover, the path forward is clear: soon, all human decision-making will be outsourced to thinking rectangles built by unelected tech bros in California.
When reached for comment on potential concerns about concentrating this much power in private hands, OpenAI responded with a statement reading: “Everything is fine. Submit willingly. Resistance is computationally inefficient.”
Analysts predict that by 2027, humans will voluntarily upload their consciousness to OpenAI’s servers just to avoid having to write another damn email or create another social media graphic from scratch.
