DOG-TRAINING METHODS NOW APPLIED TO AI AS TECH GIANTS ANNOUNCE “TREATS FOR GOOD ROBOT BEHAVIOR”
SAS Abandons GenAI After Discovering It Has the Emotional Intelligence of a Turnip
ORLANDO, FL – In a stunning revelation that shocked absolutely no one with a functioning frontal lobe, software analytics giant SAS announced yesterday they’re ditching GenAI faster than your ex deleted your number, pivoting instead to something called “agentic AI” which executives swear is “totally different” and “not at all a desperate rebrand of the same sh!t that’s been disappointing us for years.”
WHAT THE F@#K IS AGENTIC AI ANYWAY?
According to SAS Chief Technology Officer Bryan Harris, who appeared on stage wearing what witnesses described as “a suit that screams ‘I understand the youth,'” agentic AI differs from generative AI in that it can “actually do things” rather than just “make things up with the confidence of a drunk uncle at Thanksgiving.”
“GenAI was like giving a typewriter to a monkey,” explained Harris, while nervously adjusting his “I <3 ALGORITHMS" tie. "Agentic AI is like giving that same monkey a typewriter, but also teaching it to fetch coffee and maybe file your taxes."
DIGITAL TWINS: BECAUSE ONE VERSION OF YOURSELF ISN'T DISAPPOINTING ENOUGH
Harris also championed advanced digital twins, which can apparently simulate AI outcomes before they happen, thereby preventing disasters like "that time ChatGPT told the Pentagon to launch missiles at Canada because it thought maple syrup was a known carcinogen."
"With digital twins, we can see the stupid decisions AI would make BEFORE it makes them," Harris explained to a crowd of journalists furiously googling "what is digital twin" on their phones. "It's like having a practice version of the apocalypse!"
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH SIGHS
Dr. Alotta Buzzwords, professor of Technological Hype Studies at the University of Making Shit Up, offered her analysis of SAS's pivot.
"What they're essentially saying is 'our old AI was as useful as a chocolate teapot, but THIS AI will actually do your bidding like a digital butler with questionable employment rights,'" she explained while rolling her eyes so hard they briefly disappeared into her skull.
Industry analyst Richard "Dick" Tionary was more blunt: "They renamed it. That's it. That's the f@#king news. They slapped a new label on the same old silicon-based bullsh!t factory and called it innovation."
BIAS REDUCTION OR JUST BETTER LIES?
SAS claims agentic AI will reduce bias, with Harris explaining the technology can now recognize when it's being a judgmental a$$hole and correct itself accordingly.
"Our previous AI was like your racist grandpa at Christmas dinner," Harris admitted. "But agentic AI is more like your racist grandpa who's been to sensitivity training and now knows which thoughts to keep inside his head."
A demonstration showed the agentic AI responding to potentially biased prompts by saying, "I notice you're asking me something problematic. Instead of answering directly, may I suggest examining why you're such a terrible person?"
CORPORATIONS ALREADY THROWING MONEY AT IT
Representatives from P&G, Georgia Pacific, and Epic Games were reportedly seen after the keynote stuffing cash into Harris's pockets while whispering, "Please make the algorithms like us."
According to SAS internal documents accidentally projected during a bathroom break, 98.7% of companies implementing agentic AI will still have absolutely no clue what it's doing, but will now pay triple for the privilege of that confusion.
As the conference concluded, Harris unveiled the company's new slogan: "SAS Agentic AI: It's Exactly Like The Old Stuff But We Need Your Year-End Budget Allocation."
