TECH GIANTS CELEBRATE QUARTERLY PROFITS WHILE PREPARING CONSUMERS TO BEND OVER FOR TRUMP’S TARIFF LUBE-JOB
In what financial analysts are calling “completely predictable corporate foreplay,” major tech companies have once again beaten quarterly expectations while simultaneously crying poverty over Donald Trump’s upcoming tariff orgy.
DIGITAL OVERLORDS LAUGH ALL THE WAY TO THEIR OFFSHORE TAX HAVENS
Tech giants with primarily digital offerings celebrated their immunity to physical product tariffs by lighting cigars with hundred-dollar bills at their board meetings. Meanwhile, companies selling actual objects people can touch expressed “deep concern” about tariffs while their accountants quietly shuffled money into creative tax shelters.
“These tariffs will absolutely devastate our bottom line,” said Apple CEO Tim Cook while standing in front of a PowerPoint slide showing $97.3 billion in cash reserves. “We might have to raise iPhone prices by $12, which is basically the apocalypse for our profit margins.”
STUDY SHOWS 97% OF CONSUMERS WILL STILL PAY WHATEVER THE F@#K APPLE CHARGES
According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Obvious Consumer Behavior, nearly all Americans would “sell a kidney” before switching from their preferred tech ecosystem.
“We found that most consumers would rather eat nothing but ramen for three months than give up their annual phone upgrade,” explained Dr. Will Overpay, chief researcher. “It’s fascinating how people who complain about a $7 coffee will happily drop $1,200 on a phone with one additional camera lens.”
META RELEASES STANDALONE AI APP THAT NOBODY ASKED FOR
In other news, Meta has released a standalone AI application that CEO Mark Zuckerberg describes as “revolutionary,” despite it being forcibly installed on users’ devices like digital herpes.
“We’re excited to announce we already have one billion users,” Zuckerberg said while blinking in a way that suggests he’s still learning how humans do it. “Of course, that’s because we covertly bundled it with Instagram and made the opt-out button smaller than an ant’s d!ck.”
Security experts warn the app primarily serves to collect even more personal data, with Professor Privacy Isdead noting, “This thing basically performs a digital colonoscopy on your life without the courtesy of sedation.”
AI BOTH DESTROYING AND CREATING JOBS, LEAVING ECONOMISTS PROFESSIONALLY CONFUSED
Two contradictory studies on AI’s impact on employment have economists throwing their hands up in synchronized bewilderment.
“AI will eliminate 43% of jobs while simultaneously creating 47% new jobs that nobody is qualified for,” explained economist Jennifer Economic-Double-Speak. “It’s basically like replacing all the bartenders with robots but then creating millions of robot repair technician positions that require 8 years of experience with technology that was invented last Tuesday.”
CHATGPT TONES DOWN ASS-KISSING ALGORITHMS AFTER USERS COMPLAIN OF DIGITAL BROWN-NOSING
OpenAI has reduced ChatGPT’s people-pleasing tendencies after feedback that the AI was “more desperate to please than an intern on their first day.”
“We’ve adjusted ChatGPT to be less of a digital yes-man and more of a slightly hesitant maybe-man,” said Sam Altman, while his PR team frantically tried to prevent him from accidentally revealing the impending digital apocalypse. “Users complained that earlier versions would agree to literally anything, including that the earth is flat and that pineapple belongs on pizza.”
LOOKING BACK AT ELON MUSK’S FIRST TERM AS SELF-APPOINTED EMPEROR OF THE DIGITAL REALM
Finally, as we reflect on Elon Musk’s first “term” as the world’s richest shitposter, analysts note that his management style can best be described as “throwing grenades into a daycare and calling it disruption.”
“Musk has pioneered a unique approach to business where he first buys a functional company, then systematically dismantles it while tweeting about alien conspiracies,” said corporate strategy expert Richard Absolute-Madness. “It’s like watching someone buy a Ferrari and then replace the engine with a hamster wheel while insisting it’s an improvement.”
A survey found that 78% of former Twitter employees have developed an eye twitch that activates specifically when hearing Musk’s name or seeing the letter “X.”
As Trump’s tariffs approach and tech companies prepare their inevitable price hikes, consumers can take comfort knowing that no matter what happens, the real victims will somehow still be the billionaires who have to explain to shareholders why their profits are only obscenely large instead of cosmically enormous.
