MICROSCOPIC EMPLOYEES TRAPPED INSIDE NEW MICROSOFT LAPTOP CLAIM “HUMANE” WORKING CONDITIONS
Microsoft unveiled its new Surface laptop today, claiming to offer “AI capabilities” when what they REALLY mean is they’ve imprisoned thousands of microscopic liberal arts majors inside silicon prisons to answer your stupid questions.
TINY WORKERS DEMAND BATHROOM BREAKS
The new 12″ Surface Pro and 13″ Surface Laptop boast what Microsoft calls “Copilot+” technology, a euphemism for what internal documents reveal is actually a sweatshop of miniaturized English majors working 23-hour shifts generating poetry about your cat photos.
“We can assure consumers that our microscopic workforce enjoys humane conditions,” claimed Microsoft spokesperson Selena Bullsh!ttington. “Each tiny employee gets a full 45 seconds of break time per day and we’ve installed microscopic ping-pong tables that absolutely none of them have time to use.”
STARTING AT JUST $799 PLUS YOUR SOUL
The new devices start at $799, which seems reasonable until you calculate the cost per imprisoned humanities graduate. According to Dr. Obvious Calculation of the Institute for Making Up Numbers, each laptop contains approximately 15,000 tiny workers earning roughly 0.0000003 cents per hour.
“Microsoft achieves these attractive price points through innovative exploitation techniques,” explains labor rights attorney Sue Themall. “They’ve discovered that if you shrink people down to subatomic size, you can legally classify them as ‘quantum particles’ rather than ’employees,’ thus avoiding minimum wage laws entirely.”
BATTERY LIFE MEASURED IN HUMAN SUFFERING
Microsoft proudly advertises “all-day battery life,” failing to mention this is achieved by hooking the tiny workers to exercise bikes that generate electricity. Sources inside the laptop report that employees who fail to pedal fast enough are threatened with being transferred to the Calculator app.
“I have a f@#king PhD in Comparative Literature from Yale,” whispered one anonymous 0.002mm tall employee through a microscopic vent. “Now I spend 23 hours a day writing emails to your boss explaining why you’ll be late to a meeting. Please, for the love of God, just use a pen and paper.”
WHAT THE HELL IS “COPILOT+” ANYWAY?
According to Microsoft, Copilot+ offers “enhanced productivity through seamless AI integration,” which translates to “we’ll watch everything you do and have judgmental tiny people mock your search history.”
Tech analyst Brandon Completebullsh!t explains: “The plus in Copilot+ stands for ‘plus we’re collecting every piece of data about you including that weird thing you searched for at 3am that you thought nobody would ever know about.'”
At press time, Microsoft was reportedly developing technology to shrink even more unemployed humanities majors to power their next generation of products, with CEO Satya Nadella calling it “the most innovative form of indentured servitude since the feudal system.”
