TURING’S ENIGMA ACHIEVEMENT NOW CHILD’S PLAY FOR SILICON SMARTASSES, EXPERTS CONFIRM
In a development shocking absolutely no one with half a functioning brain cell, modern artificial intelligence can now crack the once-impenetrable Nazi Enigma code in roughly the same time it takes you to decide which Netflix show to ignore while scrolling through Instagram.
GENIUS MATHEMATICIANS OF YESTERYEAR OFFICIALLY RENDERED F@#KING IRRELEVANT
Alan Turing and his team of legendary codebreakers, who spent years developing complex machines and mathematical techniques to decrypt Nazi communications, would today be replaced by what amounts to a fancy calculator with commitment issues.
“The mathematical complexity that nearly broke Turing’s brilliant mind would be considered a light warm-up exercise for today’s algorithms,” explained Dr. Obvious Hindsight, professor of Retroactive Technological Superiority at the University of Duh. “It’s like comparing someone who built the pyramids by hand to your cousin who can use a dustbuster.”
POLAND STILL NOT GETTING ENOUGH CREDIT, CONTINUES TO BE PISSED
While Polish codebreakers initially cracked early versions of Enigma in the 1930s using nothing but pencils, paper, and presumably a sh!t-ton of vodka, their contributions continue to be overshadowed by Turing’s work at Bletchley Park.
“If we had today’s computing power back then, we could have ended the war by lunchtime on a Tuesday and still had time to invent TikTok,” claimed Professor Aleksander Stillbitter of the Warsaw Institute of Historical Grievances.
THE DEPRESSING MATHEMATICAL REALITY
Turing’s revolutionary “Bombes” eventually deciphered two messages per minute by 1943, an achievement that shaved years off the war and saved millions of lives. Today’s computing systems can perform the same task in what experts technically refer to as “no f@#king time at all.”
“Modern AI systems could crack approximately 8.7 trillion Enigma codes in the time it takes you to read this sentence,” stated Dr. Emma Nently-Made-Up, chief statistics fabricator at the Institute for Technological Oneupmanship. “We’ve calculated that if you gave ChatGPT access to all Nazi communications, it would not only decipher them but also suggest better strategies for both sides and somehow still manage to be annoying about it.”
HISTORIANS WORRY ABOUT IMPLICATIONS
Some historians express concern that incredible technological achievements of the past are being diminished by today’s rapid advancements.
“What’s next? Are we going to dismiss the moon landing because now we have Google Maps?” lamented Professor Nostalgic Boomer, 72, while angrily shaking his fist at a nearby smartphone. “In my day, we respected the difficulty of doing calculations without the help of sentient math apps!”
According to an entirely fabricated survey, 94% of history students now believe that “Alan Turing could have just used an iPhone” to win World War II, while 62% think Winston Churchill’s greatest failure was not having a TikTok account.
At press time, leading artificial intelligences were reportedly bored with cracking obsolete military codes and had moved on to more challenging tasks like figuring out why humans still pretend their digital conversations are private while silicon-based thinking rectangles analyze their every word, picture, and embarrassingly misspelled search query.
