DESPERATE TECH NERDS PRESERVE ILLUSION OF MORALITY WHILE CHASING BILLIONS IN AI GAMBLING SPREE
In a stunning display of ethical gymnastics that would make Olympic contenders weep, OpenAI has dramatically backtracked on plans to become a fully for-profit entity, announcing that their nonprofit board will maintain control while they continue to swim naked in mountains of investor cash.
KEEPING ONE FOOT IN HEAVEN WHILE DIVING INTO CAPITALISM’S HOT TUB
The company, which originally formed as a nonprofit to ensure AI would benefit humanity rather than just making a select few tech bros obscenely wealthy, has apparently discovered that having both a soul AND billions of dollars is totally possible if you just create a sufficiently complicated corporate structure.
“We’ve invented a revolutionary new business model where we can claim moral superiority while simultaneously accepting dump trucks full of money,” explained OpenAI spokesperson Penny Pincher. “It’s like being a virgin who f@#ks.”
Industry analyst Dr. Cash N. Carry described the move as “absolutely brilliant corporate bulls#!t” noting that “they’ve essentially created a business mullet: nonprofit in the front, capitalist party in the back.”
MUSK THROWS TANTRUM; THREATENS TO BUILD OWN AI SANDBOX
Elon Musk, who helped found OpenAI before storming off in what witnesses described as “the tech world’s most expensive temper tantrum,” responded by tweeting seventeen consecutive poop emojis followed by vague threats about his own AI company.
“I left OpenAI because I feared they’d become exactly what they have,” Musk told reporters while simultaneously trying to sell flamethrowers to children. “Now I must save humanity by creating my OWN potentially world-ending technology, but with cooler logos.”
MICROSOFT EXECUTIVES PRACTICING SHOCKED FACES FOR CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS
Meanwhile, Microsoft, which has invested approximately $13 trillion dollars in OpenAI (figure may be slightly exaggerated), released a statement claiming they were “totally cool” with the nonprofit maintaining control.
“We’re completely fine with this arrangement,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, while a company lawyer visibly yanked a string attached to his back. “We have absolutely no plans to eventually absorb this technology and use it to read everyone’s emails more efficiently.”
INVESTORS RELIEVED THEY CAN STILL PROFIT FROM HUMANITY’S POTENTIAL DOOM
SoftBank and other investors expressed relief that while the company’s nonprofit structure would remain, they could still make ungodly amounts of money from technology that 87% of experts agree “might accidentally end civilization.”
“Look, we’re investing in potentially world-ending technology, not running a charity,” said SoftBank CEO Masayoshi Son. “As long as we get our billions before the singularity hits, we’re good.”
A recent survey found that 94% of OpenAI investors couldn’t explain what the company actually does, with most describing it as “something about robots but smarter and worth trillions probably.”
Professor Morality Matter from the Institute of Obvious Conclusions noted, “This is basically like putting a tiny bicycle helmet on a nuclear bomb and calling it ‘safety first.'”
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly designing a new logo featuring a dollar sign wearing a halo, perfectly capturing their commitment to doing well while pretending to do good.
