“NONPROFIT ACTUALLY PROFITABLE” SAYS OPENAI CEO, CLARIFIES “WE’RE JUST FINDING NEW WAYS TO RAKE IN CASH ETHICALLY”
OpenAI, the company that can’t decide if it wants to save humanity or make billions doing it, announced yesterday it’s shockingly maintaining nonprofit control while transforming its business arm into a “public benefit corporation” – which apparently means “still making sh!t-tons of money, but feeling slightly less guilty about it.”
CEO Sam Altman explained the decision to bewildered employees who had already picked out Lamborghinis based on promised stock options. “We need trillions to deliver beneficial AGI to the world,” Altman reportedly said while visibly struggling not to add “and to my personal bank account.”
ELON MUSK SOMEHOW STILL ANGRY
Former OpenAI board member and professional Twitter tantrum-thrower Elon Musk was reportedly “still f@#king furious” despite literally getting exactly what he sued for.
“This is precisely what I demanded, but I’m choosing to remain outraged because that’s kind of my brand now,” Musk didn’t actually say but might as well have.
WHAT THE HELL IS A PUBLIC BENEFIT CORPORATION ANYWAY?
Financial analyst Dr. Cash Moneybags explains: “A PBC is basically a for-profit company that pinky-swears to be nice. It’s like when your drunk uncle claims he’s ‘cutting back’ but still shows up to Thanksgiving with a flask.”
Studies show 94% of Americans have absolutely no idea what a “public benefit corporation” actually is, but 78% nodded knowingly when we mentioned it.
TECH CEOS DEMAND KIDS LEARN AI SO THEY DON’T HAVE TO TRAIN NEW HIRES LATER
Meanwhile, over 250 tech CEOs signed a letter demanding elementary school children learn artificial intelligence immediately, presumably so they won’t have to spend money training their future workforce.
“We need these 8-year-olds AI-ready by the time they graduate high school,” said Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella, who definitely wasn’t thinking about cutting future training costs. “It’s for America’s competitiveness, not our quarterly profits, we swear on whatever’s left of our souls.”
MANDATORY CURRICULUM RAISED EYEBROWS
The proposed AI curriculum includes such essential skills as “How to Nod Convincingly When Your AI Makes Sh!t Up” and “Advanced Prompt Engineering: Making the Silicon Think-Box Do Your Homework Without Getting Caught.”
Education expert Professor Ima Skeptical warned: “Teaching kids to rely on AI is like teaching them to ride bikes with training wheels made of cocaine – convenient at first, but problematic long-term.”
SURVEY SHOWS 87% OF PARENTS SUPPORT AI EDUCATION
“I fully support my child learning AI,” said parent Tracy Johnson, who couldn’t explain what AI actually is but is “pretty sure it’s important.”
A whopping 87% of parents surveyed support mandatory AI education despite 92% of them using their smartphones exclusively to take selfies and look up casserole recipes.
CANVA INTRODUCES SPREADSHEETS FEATURE, EXCELS AT CONFUSING USERS
In a desperate bid to be the one software you can’t live without, Canva announced its new “Sheets” feature, allowing users to create beautiful spreadsheets that are utterly useless for actual data analysis.
“We wanted to combine the functionality of Excel with the ease of use of Canva,” said fictional Canva spokesperson Tabitha GridLines. “Unfortunately, we achieved neither.”
EARLY USERS REPORT MIXED RESULTS
Early adopter Marcus Wellington attempted to use Canva Sheets for his company’s quarterly financial report but found the program automatically converted his budget numbers into “aesthetically pleasing” but “mathematically incorrect” pie charts with inspirational quotes.
“I tried to calculate our Q2 revenue, but it kept suggesting I add drop shadows and asking if I wanted to make the spreadsheet ‘pop’ with gradients,” Wellington complained.
NVIDIA RELEASES TRANSCRIPTION AI, CONTINUES BEING SUSPICIOUSLY HELPFUL
Chip-making monopoly Nvidia released Parakeet V2, an open-source transcription model that can process an hour of audio in one second, raising questions about why they’re being so d@mn nice when they could easily charge thousands for this technology.
“We just want to contribute to the AI community,” said Nvidia CEO Jensen Huang while bathing in liquid gold. “It has nothing to do with ensuring every AI developer becomes dependent on our hardware.”
WHAT TRANSCRIPTION ACTUALLY HEARD: “We just want to contribute to the AI community by ensuring every developer becomes our hardware slave.”
EXPERTS IMMEDIATELY SUSPICIOUS OF NVIDIA’S GENEROSITY
Tech analyst Seymour Hidden-Motives remains skeptical: “When the world’s most valuable chip company gives away powerful software for free, it’s like when a casino offers free alcohol. They’re not doing it because they’re philanthropists.”
In conclusion, OpenAI’s nonprofit shell will continue directing its for-profit core, proving once again that in Silicon Valley, “nonprofit” is just a fancy word for “we found a tax loophole.” Meanwhile, tech CEOs demand your children learn AI immediately, presumably so 12-year-olds can finally explain to their parents how ChatGPT works without going “it’s, like, a robot that does homework and stuff.”
