GOOGLE CEO CLAIMS SHARING SEARCH DATA WOULD BE LIKE GIVING AWAY HIS CHILDREN’S ORGANS

Tech Giant Fights Government’s “Absurd Request” to Stop Being a Monopolistic A-hole

WASHINGTON DC – In a stunning display of corporate victimhood, Google CEO Sundar Pichai testified yesterday that sharing the company’s precious search data with competitors would be equivalent to “a de facto divestiture,” or in layman’s terms, “like having my kidneys ripped out through my nostrils while being forced to watch Bing commercials.”

BILLIONAIRE TEARS FLOW FREELY IN COURTROOM

Pichai, whose net worth could buy several small nations, appeared visibly distressed as he explained how unfair it was that the government wanted Google to stop crushing competition like a tech Godzilla stomping on Tokyo.

“What’s next? Asking us to stop tracking users’ bathroom habits? Demanding we remove the mind-control chips we’ve secretly installed in Chrome?” sobbed Pichai while dramatically clutching a handkerchief monogrammed with the Google logo. “This is America, for f@#k’s sake! We have a constitutional right to own 92% of all search queries!”

EXPERTS QUESTION GOOGLE’S DEFINITION OF “COMPETITION”

Dr. Monopoly McObvious, head of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious, offered his analysis: “When Google says ‘competition would hurt innovation,’ what they actually mean is ‘competition would hurt our yacht purchases.'”

A leaked internal Google memo defined “fair competition” as “when other companies exist but nobody uses them because we’ve made it physically impossible to avoid our services.”

SHARING DATA DESCRIBED AS “TECHNOLOGICAL COMMUNISM”

Google executives have reportedly been practicing phrases like “But we EARNED our monopoly honestly by being better than everyone else and also paying Apple billions of dollars” and “Why does the government hate success and puppies?”

Professor Capitalism Isgreat from the University of Economic Delusions explained, “Sharing data would literally destroy the internet as we know it. Without Google’s complete domination, people might have to make actual choices about which search engine to use, and human brains aren’t designed to handle that level of freedom.”

ALTERNATIVE SOLUTIONS PROPOSED

In lieu of sharing search data, Google has generously offered several alternatives:

– Allowing competitors to exist as long as they promise to fail miserably
– Letting other companies call themselves “search engines” as long as they only search for pictures of cats
– Renaming the company “Totally Not A Monopoly, Inc.”
– Bribing every American with a free Google Home Mini that definitely isn’t listening to your private conversations

THE REAL VICTIMS: BILLIONAIRE EXECUTIVES

“People just don’t understand how hard it is to be us,” said an anonymous Google executive while wiping away tears with hundred-dollar bills. “Do you know how difficult it is to maintain 92% market share? Sometimes I have to work SEVEN hours a day!”

A recent survey conducted by Google found that 99.8% of Americans believe Google deserves to own all data ever created, though critics have pointed out that the survey was conducted exclusively on Google.com and the only options were “Strongly Agree” and “I Hate America.”

As the trial continues, Google has hired skywriters to spell out “BUT WE’RE THE GOOD GUYS!!!” over major American cities and is reportedly developing a new algorithm that automatically redirects all searches for “Google monopoly” to pictures of adorable kittens.

When asked for comment, Bing responded, “Wait, people know we exist?”