CIVILIZATION DOOMED AS META AND GROQ CREATE AI THAT CAN TALK FASTER THAN YOUR AUNT KAREN AT THANKSGIVING
In a move that has tech bros everywhere spontaneously high-fiving themselves into oblivion, Meta and Groq have joined forces to create what experts are calling “completely unnecessary technology that absolutely nobody asked for.” The partnership promises to deliver Llama 4—their new digital thought-spewer—at speeds so fast it makes the human brain look like a drunk turtle trying to solve algebra.
WHAT THE F@#K IS A GROQ ANYWAY?
The new Meta-Groq collaboration delivers what they’re calling “blazing-fast, zero-setup access” to their latest language model, which is corporate-speak for “we’ve made it incredibly easy for you to get addicted to another piece of technology you definitely don’t need.” The technology reportedly processes information at speeds that make human thinking look like dial-up internet from 1997.
“We’ve achieved processing speeds so fast that our model can now generate existential dread approximately 73 times faster than a college philosophy major,” explained Dr. Ivor Biggerbudget, Meta’s Chief Innovation Hyperbole Officer. “Users can now receive questionable advice and slightly inaccurate information at unprecedented velocities.”
DEVELOPERS FOAM AT MOUTH WHILE REQUESTING “EARLY ACCESS”
Sources confirm that developers worldwide are frantically requesting “early access” to the official Llama API, apparently desperate to be the first to implement yet another chatty digital assistant that nobody asked for. Experts predict that approximately 97% of these early applications will ultimately be used to generate pictures of cats wearing human clothes or explain why Bitcoin is definitely going to take off this time.
“This raises the bar for model performance in ways that are absolutely critical to civilization’s progress,” said Professor Warren Pointless, who holds the distinguished chair of Obvious Technological Overkill at Silicon Valley University. “Without increasingly rapid calculations of poetry in the style of Shakespeare about Elon Musk riding a narwhal, how can humanity possibly evolve?”
THE NUMBERS DON’T LIE (BECAUSE WE MADE THEM UP)
According to completely verified statistics we just invented, the new Llama-Groq partnership makes digital responses 86% more instantaneous, allowing people to waste time 42% more efficiently. Internal testing shows users can now receive slightly wrong answers to their questions in just 0.03 seconds instead of having to wait a full second like some kind of digital caveperson.
“The speed is absolutely mind-blowing,” gushed Tammy Techwriter, who witnessed a demonstration where the system generated three different excuses for missing a work deadline faster than her boss could say “you’re fired.”
HUMANITY’S LAST HOPE: MAYBE THE SERVERS WILL CRASH
As early reports indicate that the enhanced Llama model can now produce content so fast it borders on terrifying, many experts are clinging to the slim hope that massive server failures might save us all from this unnecessary acceleration of digital chatter.
“When you really think about it, what’s the rush?” asked Dr. Slow Downabit, the lone voice of reason at Meta’s announcement event. “Is humanity truly improved by receiving slightly hallucinated answers about whether hotdogs are sandwiches at twice the previous speed?”
As of press time, Groq and Meta’s unholy silicon offspring continues to process information at ungodly speeds while still somehow managing to get basic math problems wrong, thus proving once again that no matter how fast technology becomes, it will always find new and impressive ways to disappoint us just like your father when you told him you were majoring in philosophy.
