MICROSOFT COMMITS TO EUROPEAN TECH DOMINANCE UNLESS LITERALLY ANYTHING HAPPENS
BRUSSELS – Microsoft’s President Brad Smith stunned attendees at a European tech conference yesterday when he boldly promised that Microsoft would uphold Europe’s “digital resilience” under absolutely all circumstances except ones where it might be slightly inconvenient for the trillion-dollar corporation.
EMPTY PROMISES FROM FULL WALLETS
Smith, wearing what witnesses described as “a suit worth more than the GDP of Luxembourg,” unveiled five new digital commitments that experts immediately recognized as “just vague enough to sound impressive while legally committing to f@#k-all.”
“We solemnly swear to empower every European nation with our technology unless trade relations get a little spicy or someone looks at us funny,” Smith declared to thunderous applause from people who clearly weren’t listening.
COMMITMENT BREAKDOWN: ABOUT AS RELIABLE AS YOUR EX’S PROMISES
The first commitment involves building data centers across Europe, which Microsoft plans to power entirely with “the hot air generated during our press conferences.” Sources confirm these facilities will remain European until the millisecond it becomes 0.001% more profitable to move them elsewhere.
“These commitments represent our unwavering dedication to Europe’s digital sovereignty,” Smith said while Microsoft engineers reportedly worked backstage to ensure all European data could be transferred to American servers with the press of a single button.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, THEN IMMEDIATELY WEIGH OUT
Dr. Noam Fooling, Professor of Corporate Bullsh!t Studies at the University of Obvious Conclusions, analyzed the announcement: “What Microsoft is saying is they’ll be there for Europe in sickness and in health, for richer or poorer, until literally any minor trade dispute does them part.”
According to made-up statistics, 97.3% of tech companies’ “ironclad commitments” last approximately as long as the news cycle covering them, plus or minus however long it takes their PR team to delete the press release from their website.
SOVEREIGNTY? MORE LIKE SOVERE-MAYBE
The third commitment provocatively promises “cloud sovereignty,” which apparently means European data will remain in Europe, except for the 78% that needs to “visit relatives” in American servers occasionally.
“We’re absolutely committed to keeping European data in Europe,” Smith clarified, “unless we decide not to, in which case we’re absolutely committed to that instead.”
SECURITY THEATER: NOW WITH ACTUAL THEATER
Microsoft also announced plans to train 10 million Europeans in cybersecurity, primarily teaching them how to click “Yes” when Windows asks to install updates and how to recognize Microsoft’s own increasingly suspicious-looking emails.
“We’re investing billions in European security,” Smith claimed while the company’s accountants frantically searched for ways to classify “thinking about investing billions” as an actual investment for tax purposes.
TRADE VOLATILITY EXCEPTION COVERS LITERALLY EVERYTHING
When pressed about what exactly constitutes “geopolitical and trade volatility,” Smith referred reporters to the fine print, which reportedly defines it as “anything that happens, ever, including but not limited to: slight drops in profit margins, mean tweets about Excel, or if someone at the EU gives us a funny look.”
Financial analyst Felix Wallet noted, “It’s a brilliant strategy to promise absolute commitment with an exception clause that covers literally every possible scenario where that commitment might be tested.”
In a final flourish, Smith ended his speech by dramatically throwing a Euro into the Trevi Fountain while whispering, “But we’re still gonna report all our European profits through Ireland.”
At press time, Microsoft was already planning their next announcement: “Eternal Commitment to Europe Until the Next Quarterly Earnings Call.”
