MICROSOFT’S AI PROFITS SKYROCKET AS CEO SECRETLY REPLACED BY CHATBOT, NOBODY NOTICES
Tech behemoth Microsoft has once again crushed Wall Street expectations for the fourth straight quarter, revealing that throwing ungodly amounts of money at artificial intelligence is apparently the business equivalent of printing actual f@#king money.
SILICON VALLEY’S MOST EXPENSIVE D!CK-MEASURING CONTEST CONTINUES
Microsoft announced a staggering $70.07 billion in revenue with earnings of $3.46 per share, blowing past analyst predictions of $68.42 billion and $3.22 per share, proving that the best way to make money in 2025 is to slap the letters “A” and “I” onto literally anything you sell.
The company has committed to investing $80 billion in AI this fiscal year, which financial experts describe as “just completely sh!tting money into a digital black hole and somehow getting more back.”
“Microsoft’s strategy is brilliant,” explains Dr. Cash McMoneyprinter, Chief Investment Strategist at Wall Street firm Obvious & Redundant. “Step one: say ‘AI’ in every meeting. Step two: watch stock price explode. Step three: repeat until the heat death of the universe.”
EMPLOYEES DISCOVER ACTUAL WORK OPTIONAL
Sources inside Microsoft reveal that 97.3% of employees now spend their workdays simply typing “AI” into various documents while algorithms do the actual work. An internal survey found that 82% of Microsoft staff haven’t actually completed a task themselves since February.
“I just rename all my PowerPoints to include ‘AI-Powered’ in the title and suddenly my performance reviews are through the roof,” admitted one anonymous Microsoft middle manager who hasn’t written a line of code in three years. “Yesterday I put a sticky note with ‘AI INSIDE’ on our office microwave and my team got an additional $14 million in funding.”
COMPETITORS SCRAMBLING TO CATCH UP
Apple CEO Tim Cook was reportedly seen outside Microsoft headquarters with a cardboard sign reading “WE DO AI TOO, PLEASE NOTICE US.”
“We’ve invested billions in research to determine what the hell Microsoft is actually doing with all this AI,” says industry analyst Professor Ima Confused. “Our conclusion is that they’re using sophisticated algorithms to transform buzzwords into money while executives practice saying ‘transformative potential’ with straight faces.”
WALL STREET ANALYSTS REPLACED BY MAGIC 8-BALLS
Financial experts note that traditional valuation metrics have been completely abandoned in favor of counting how many times a company mentions “artificial intelligence” in press releases. Microsoft scored a record-breaking 347 mentions in their latest earnings call, including CEO Satya Nadella whispering “AI” between every sentence.
When questioned about what exactly Microsoft’s $80 billion AI investment will produce, company spokesperson Claire Explanation replied, “Have you seen our new paperclip assistant? He blinks now. That’s eighty billion dollars well spent right there.”
In related news, Microsoft stock rose an additional 12% after this reporter accidentally typed “AI” in a text message while in the vicinity of the NASDAQ building.
