PHONE COMPANY FRANTICALLY STAPLES EVERY AI BUZZWORD TO NEW RAZR FLIP PHONE; HARVARD STUDY CONFIRMS “MORE AI = BIGGER PEEPEE”
Motorola executives reportedly suffered collective hallucinations this week, convinced that what consumers REALLY want is a phone with seventeen different AI assistants fighting for dominance like digital cockroaches in a blender.
EXPERTS QUESTION IF ANYONE KNOWS WHAT THE F@#K AI ACTUALLY DOES
The new Razr phones, described by the company as “revolutionary,” come equipped with Perplexity, Gemini, Copilot, and Llama AI assistants, a dedicated “AI button,” and what engineers call “a deep existential crisis about the meaning of intelligence.”
“We’ve basically thrown every AI platform we could find into this phone,” admitted Chad Thunderjoy, Motorola’s Chief Technology Evangelist. “Does anyone know what they all do? Absolutely f@#king not. But our market research shows that 97% of consumers get sexually aroused when they hear the letters A and I next to each other.”
AVERAGE USER EXPECTED TO SPEND 14 HOURS DAILY ASKING AI WHICH AI TO USE
Industry analysts predict the typical Razr owner will spend approximately 60% of their battery life asking one AI assistant which other AI assistant would be better at generating an image of Danny DeVito riding a dolphin.
Dr. Selena Obvious, professor of Digital Redundancy at MIT, explained: “This is like having five different translation apps that all do the same sh!t but fight for your attention like needy toddlers. It’s the technological equivalent of wearing six condoms simultaneously.”
SWAROVSKI CRYSTAL EARBUDS DEFINITELY NOT COMPENSATING FOR ANYTHING
In what consumers are calling “a desperate cry for relevance,” Motorola has also released Swarovski crystal-encrusted earbuds and a smartwatch that, according to insiders, “mostly just tells you which AI to use depending on your mood and biorhythms.”
“The Swarovski partnership makes perfect sense,” explained fashion analyst Pierre Pretentious. “Nothing says ‘I make sound financial decisions’ like tiny crystals on something you’ll lose in a month.”
A recent survey found that 89% of potential buyers couldn’t explain what any of these AI platforms actually do differently from each other, while 73% admitted they just like pressing the AI button “because it makes the phone go brrrrr.”
EXECUTIVES CONFIRM PHONE CAN ALSO MAKE CALLS “IF YOU’RE INTO THAT RETRO SH!T”
When pressed about the phone’s actual telephonic capabilities, Motorola representatives appeared confused before remembering that phones were originally designed for communication between humans.
“Oh yeah, it can make calls too, I guess,” said VP of Marketing Brittany Buzzwordsmith. “That’s for boomers who haven’t discovered the joy of having a silicon genie write your sexts for you.”
Inside sources report that the next Razr model will feature 37 different AI assistants, a button that summons a small digital man who lives inside your phone, and will be made entirely of materials that haven’t been invented yet.
At press time, 86% of current Razr owners admitted they just use their phone to look at pictures of cats and ex-partners on Instagram while occasionally asking AI to explain why they’re still single despite having a phone with seventeen digital assistants ready to flatter their fragile egos.
