TECH BILLIONAIRES VOW TO KEEP BUILDING AI BRAIN FARMS EVEN IF ECONOMY IMPLODES, YOUR HOUSE BURNS DOWN
Amazon and NVIDIA executives announced today they will continue constructing their massive AI data centers even if it means powering them with the dying embers of American prosperity, the cooling blood of the economy, or your grandmother’s life support system.
DIGITAL OVERLORDS REFUSE TO STOP MULTIPLYING
In a move shocking absolutely f@#king no one, tech giants doubled down on their commitment to building warehouse-sized computer clusters that consume more electricity than entire developing nations just so your phone can tell you which celebrity you look like.
“Look, we’re going to keep building these computational monstrosites regardless of what happens to the economy, climate, or your ability to afford groceries,” said Amazon CEO Andy Jassy, who reportedly bathes in liquid nitrogen to “feel closer to the machines.”
TRUMP TARIFFS THREATEN TO MAKE RICH COMPANIES SLIGHTLY LESS RICH
President Trump’s tariffs have raised concerns that tech companies might make slightly less obscene profits, a scenario executives describe as “basically the apocalypse.” Industry experts predict the tariffs could increase prices by up to 3%, which is approximately 2.97% more than tech executives are willing to absorb.
“We’ve run the numbers, and it turns out we can build enough AI data centers to calculate the exact moment human civilization collapses before human civilization actually collapses from us building AI data centers,” explained NVIDIA CEO Jensen Huang while stroking what appeared to be a graphics card wearing a tiny leather jacket.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON DIGITAL DOOMSDAY MACHINES
Dr. Cassandra Ignored, professor of Obvious Warnings at the Institute for Completely Preventable Disasters, expressed concern: “These data centers consume enough power to run 17 million toasters simultaneously, which is coincidentally how hot the planet will be in 10 years.”
According to completely made-up statistics that feel true, AI data centers now account for 87% of the world’s electricity consumption, 62% of global warming, and 100% of tech bros saying “but have you tried asking ChatGPT?” during dinner conversations.
ECONOMIC FALLOUT DEEMED “SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM”
Financial analyst Buck Passington suggests the economic impact is negligible “as long as you don’t count jobs, manufacturing, or the entire concept of fiscal responsibility.”
When asked about potential economic downturn affecting demand for AI services, Amazon’s VP of Inevitable Expansion, Sarah Conquest, laughed so hard she temporarily disrupted server operations in three states. “Economic downturn? That’s just when we buy more stuff cheaper,” she explained while feeding what appeared to be printed copies of environmental regulations into a paper shredder labeled ‘Carbon Offset Initiative.’
HUMANITY REASSURED IT WILL STILL BE ALLOWED TO SERVE THE MACHINES
Both companies reassured investors that no matter what happens to the global economy, they remain committed to their primary mission: building enough computing power to determine exactly how worthless human labor will become.
“Rest assured,” said NVIDIA spokesman Chad Optimist, “even if the economy tanks so hard it creates a crater, we’ll still need humans to clean the dust off our servers until we teach the robots to do that too.”
At press time, both companies were reportedly exploring options to power their data centers using the heat generated by burning piles of cash, which executives insist is “technically carbon neutral if you don’t think about it too hard.”
