PENTAGON OUTSOURCES PLANNING TO SENTIENT CHATBOTS AFTER REALIZING HUMANS “JUST TOO F@#KING SLOW”
In a move that absolutely nobody saw coming except literally everyone with a functioning brain stem, the U.S. Air Force has officially admitted that human brains are just too goddamn inefficient at moving missiles around the world compared to their silicon-based counterparts.
MILITARY DISCOVERS CHAT MESSAGES EXIST, DECLARES IT “REVOLUTIONARY”
The 618th Air Operations Center, responsible for coordinating a fleet of aircraft that would make any compensation-seeking billionaire blush, recently made the groundbreaking discovery that humans could communicate via “chat” instead of “phone and email.” This technological leap, achieved by the rest of civilization circa 2005, has opened doors for what Colonel Joseph Monaco calls “enhancing workflows,” a military euphemism for “letting algorithms do the sh!t we hate.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE PROMISES TO READ MESSAGES HUMANS CAN’T BE BOTHERED WITH
The project, subtly named Conversational AI Technology for Transition (CAITT), aims to use natural language processing to perform tasks that were previously handled by people who needed things like “sleep” and “bathroom breaks.” Lincoln Laboratory, apparently unable to resist the urge to create more acronyms, is developing these tools as part of NITMRE, which stands for something so long even the AI struggled to remember it.
LOCAL HUMAN JOBS NOW OFFICIALLY ENDANGERED
“Our thinking rectangles can extract trending topics from chat messages,” explains researcher Courtland VanDam, who definitely wasn’t replaced by an algorithm halfway through this interview. “For example, a trending topic might read, ‘Crew members missing Congo visas, potential for delay,’ saving humans the exhausting task of reading a few paragraphs themselves.”
EXPERTS WARN OF POTENTIAL RISKS
Dr. Hugh Mann-Notatall, Professor of Obvious Consequences at the University of Hindsight, expressed concerns: “What could possibly go wrong with having AI interpret critical military logistics? I mean, apart from accidentally shipping nuclear warheads to a Chuck E. Cheese in Tulsa because someone used a winky face emoji?”
MILITARY DISCOVERS GOOGLE SEARCH, CALLS IT “SEMANTIC SEARCH”
Another tool being developed improves upon the chat service’s search engine, which apparently returns empty results if messages don’t contain every word in the query – a problem solved by Google approximately two decades ago. Users can now ask questions in “natural language,” such as “Why is this aircraft delayed?” instead of the previous method of “screaming into the void and hoping someone responds.”
FUTURE TOOLS WILL REPLACE EVEN MORE HUMANS
According to inside sources, future tools aim to automatically add users to chat conversations deemed relevant to their expertise, predict ground time for unloading cargo, and summarize regulatory documents – all tasks previously performed by humans who had the audacity to collect paychecks.
“We’re really streamlining processes,” said an anonymous Pentagon official. “In tests, our AI correctly identified that a nuclear submarine would not fit inside a standard cargo plane 73% of the time. That’s a huge improvement over the previous system of ‘eyeballing it.'”
A survey of Air Force personnel found that 87% supported the new AI tools, with the remaining 13% mysteriously disappeared from the payroll system after the algorithm detected “excessive questioning tendencies.”
In related news, the Pentagon’s new chatbot helpline has already reduced human staffing by 95%, though complaints have increased 3000% since the system began responding to all crisis inquiries with “Have you tried turning your intercontinental ballistic missile off and on again?”
