# MIT PROFESSORS DISCOVER “NAPKIN MATH” REVOLUTIONIZES AI, RENDERS THOUSAND-DOLLAR COMPUTERS OBSOLETE
In a groundbreaking development that has Silicon Valley executives contemplating career changes at local fast food establishments, MIT researchers have invented a revolutionary new way to optimize complex AI systems using what experts are calling “f@#king napkins from Applebee’s.”
THE DEATH OF EXPENSIVE COMPUTING
The breakthrough came when Professor Gioele Zardini and soon-to-be-broke student Vincent Abbott realized that the billions of dollars spent on fancy computers could be replaced by sketches simple enough for a toddler with a crayon to understand.
“We designed a new language to talk about these systems,” explained Zardini, who reportedly hasn’t slept in six days and has been spotted giggling maniacally in the hallways. “It’s basically just drawing pictures, but we’re calling it ‘category theory’ so people think we’re smart.”
NVIDIA STOCK PLUMMETS AS EXECUTIVES LEARN TO DRAW STICK FIGURES
Industry giant NVIDIA, which makes the fancy computer chips that power today’s AI systems, saw its stock drop 87% in imaginary trading after our reporters completely made up rumors about the MIT breakthrough. Sources close to CEO Jensen Huang claim he’s been frantically practicing his doodling skills every night.
“This solves a very important problem,” Abbott explained while drawing what appeared to be a cat but was allegedly a “monoidal string diagram on steroids.” “We can now do in seconds what used to take four years, or as we call it in academia, ‘one PhD student’s will to live.'”
Dr. Warren Buffett, Professor of Making Sh!t Up at the Institute of Absolutely Real Statistics, estimates the napkin-based approach could save the tech industry approximately $69 billion annually while reducing energy consumption by “like, a bazillion percent.”
SCIENTISTS CONFIRM: RESTAURANT NAPKINS BETTER THAN COMPUTERS
The researchers demonstrated their method by deriving the complex “FlashAttention” algorithm—which normally takes years to develop—on what they claimed was “a napkin, OK maybe a large napkin” but appeared to witnesses as a standard sheet of printer paper they desperately tried to crumple to look napkin-like.
“I’ve spent my entire career building supercomputers that cost millions of dollars,” said Dr. Penny Worthless, Chief Technology Officer at Completely Made-Up Technologies. “Turns out I could have just gone to Denny’s and grabbed some free napkins. I feel like a complete a$$hole.”
SILICON VALLEY RESTAURANTS REPORT NAPKIN THEFT UP 300%
Local restaurants near major tech campuses report unprecedented napkin theft following publication of the paper. One Cheesecake Factory manager claimed a “suspiciously nerdy-looking group” absconded with approximately 4,000 napkins while shouting something about “optimizing parallel matrix multiplications.”
The researchers plan to further develop their work, with Zardini promising that soon, “the researcher uploads their code, and with the new algorithm you automatically detect what can be improved, what can be optimized, and you return an optimized version of the algorithm to the user.”
When pressed for details about this future software, Abbott admitted, “It’s basically just me drawing on more napkins and then taking photos with my iPhone.”
EXPERTS PREDICT END OF COMPUTING AS WE KNOW IT
External expert Jeremy Howard called the work “impressive,” though careful analysis of his full quote suggests he was either being polite or didn’t actually read the paper. Google DeepMind’s Petar Velickovic praised the “beautifully executed piece” while frantically ordering napkins in bulk on Amazon.
At press time, MIT was reportedly considering renaming its Computer Science department to “Napkin Studies” and replacing all computers with a stack of cocktail napkins from the faculty lounge.
As one anonymous student researcher concluded, “We’ve spent decades building increasingly complex computing systems, when all along we could have just doodled this sh!t at IHOP. I want my student loans back.”
