CALIFORNIA BAR EXAM NOW WRITTEN BY THE SAME ‘SMART’ TECHNOLOGY THAT ORDERS YOU 12 DILDOS WHEN YOU ASK FOR TOOTHPASTE
In a shocking display of technological incompetence that makes the DMV look like NASA, the California State Bar admitted yesterday that portions of its February bar exam were created by artificial intelligence, the same type of digital brain that regularly recommends you watch “Peppa Pig” after finishing “Breaking Bad.”
LEGAL PROFESSION OFFICIALLY LESS TRUSTWORTHY THAN GAS STATION SUSHI
The prestigious legal licensing body confessed that several multiple-choice questions were developed with the assistance of AI, presumably because finding actual humans who understand law was just too d@mn difficult. The revelation came after test-takers experienced platform crashes so severe they made Windows 95 look reliable by comparison.
“We wanted to bring the legal profession into the 21st century,” explained Bar Association President Richard Cranium. “What better way than using technology that hallucinates facts and can’t tell the difference between a legal brief and a pair of underwear?”
FUTURE LAWYERS UNKNOWINGLY PLAYED ‘GUESS WHAT THE ROBOT WAS THINKING’ FOR CAREER CERTIFICATION
According to inside sources, the AI-generated questions included gems like “If a plaintiff slips on a banana in Kentucky but the banana was grown in Peru, which emoji best represents judicial standing?” and “True or False: Miranda rights must be read in Comic Sans to be legally binding.”
Professor Malpractice McMistake from Stanford Law School weighed in: “This is absolutely f@#king brilliant. Why not let the same technology that writes Nigerian prince scam emails determine who gets to represent people in court? Next, let’s have ChatGPT perform surgery!”
CALIFORNIA SUPREME COURT TO ADJUST SCORES, POSSIBLY WITH MAGIC 8-BALL
The California Supreme Court will now adjust test scores, presumably using a sophisticated algorithm consisting of throwing darts at a board while blindfolded. According to completely fabricated statistics, 97.3% of test-takers reported feeling “violently betrayed” while the remaining 2.7% were “too busy having existential crises to respond.”
“We’re exploring several options for score adjustment,” said Chief Justice I.M. Clueless. “We might add points based on how many times the testing platform crashed, subtract points for questions that the AI clearly hallucinated, or just give everyone who showed up a participation trophy and call it a day.”
EXPERTS PREDICT LEGAL APOCALYPSE, OR POSSIBLY IMPROVEMENT
Dr. Sue Everybody, Director of the Center for Legal Catastrophes, offered this assessment: “We’ve been preparing lawyers to argue against humans for centuries, but now they’ll need to be ready to debate kitchen appliances that have opinions. It’s actually great preparation for dealing with some judges I know.”
According to an entirely made-up survey, 89% of current attorneys believe the integration of AI into bar exams is “the most horrifying development since law schools started accepting credit cards,” while 11% are “excited about eventually being replaced by something that doesn’t require coffee or bathroom breaks.”
In a final statement, the California State Bar promised that future exams would be “100% developed by qualified professionals or at least whatever free version of ChatGPT we can access without hitting the daily limit.” Meanwhile, test-takers are left wondering if their entire legal futures were determined by the same technology that writes YouTube comments and generates pet names for lizards.
At press time, sources confirmed the Bar Association is considering having the AI write not just questions but also grade exams, represent clients, and eventually serve as Supreme Court justices, because honestly, could it really be worse than what we’ve got?
