GOVERNMENT-APPROVED MEMORY HARVESTING NOW AVAILABLE TO ALL CITIZENS; MICROSOFT SWEARS THIS TIME IT’S TOTALLY SAFE
Microsoft has graciously expanded its “Recall” feature to the general public, a stunning development that comes after months of what company insiders describe as “oh sh!t meetings” following the initial privacy backlash that sent executives diving under their ergonomic standing desks.
WHAT THE HELL IS RECALL ANYWAY?
Recall is Microsoft’s revolutionary new feature that continuously takes screenshots of everything you do on your computer so you never forget that embarrassing Google search at 2 AM or the private message you wrote to your ex but thankfully never sent. It’s basically like having your nosy mother-in-law living inside your laptop, but with better indexing capabilities.
“We’ve added new security features,” announced Microsoft spokesperson Trent Transparency, who awkwardly avoided eye contact throughout the entire press conference. “Now your most intimate digital moments are protected by a password that any bored teenager could probably crack in under seven minutes.”
SECURITY EXPERTS WEIGH IN
“This is f@#king brilliant,” exclaimed Dr. Privacy Isded, head of the Institute for Technological Surveillance Acceptance. “Microsoft has essentially created a self-surveillance system that people will voluntarily install. The NSA just fired 47% of their staff because their jobs are now redundant.”
The new security features reportedly include “super serious encryption” and a special folder that puts a digital Post-it note on your data saying “Please don’t look at this, pinky promise.”
ADDITIONAL AI FEATURES NOBODY ASKED FOR
Microsoft also announced two other AI-powered features that will be publicly available, though nobody can remember what they are because the company mentioned them in paragraph 17 of a press release while everyone was still processing the whole “we’re-recording-everything-you-do” bombshell.
“One of them magically removes backgrounds from your video calls, so your coworkers won’t see the tower of unwashed dishes behind you,” explained Chief Innovation Officer Ima Watchingu. “The other one writes emails for you that sound slightly more professional than you actually are.”
USERS ALREADY THRILLED WITH THE EXPERIENCE
Early adopters have expressed overwhelming enthusiasm for the feature, according to a survey conducted exclusively among Microsoft employees who feared for their annual performance reviews.
“I love having my computer remember things for me,” said totally real user Susan Normalwoman. “Yesterday it helped me find a document I worked on three weeks ago, and only showed it to seven unauthorized third-party advertisers in the process!”
THE FUTURE OF RECALL
Microsoft plans to integrate Recall with other services, creating what they’re calling a “complete digital memory ecosystem,” a phrase that 98.2% of focus group participants described as “deeply unsettling” before being replaced with more cooperative participants.
When asked about potential misuse of the feature, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly smiled enigmatically while a PowerPoint slide behind him simply displayed the text: “Resistance is futile.”
According to internal documents accidently left on a Starbucks table, Microsoft plans to expand Recall to mobile devices next year, ensuring that both your computer AND your phone can collaborate on assembling a complete dossier of your life that would make the Stasi blush with admiration.
As of press time, 87% of users have already unknowingly agreed to the feature by clicking “I Agree” on a terms of service update while trying to print a f@#king document before a deadline.
